SCIENTISTS PRODUCE WORLD'S LARGEST EGO

(From the Associated Press, Oct. 15) In an underground research facility spanning more than four football fields, physicists from the California Institute of Technology have built a Superconducting SuperCollider (SSC) that has generated the most powerful ego ever observed in captivity. Located in an undisclosed location in the Arizona desert, the SSC works by smashing together DNA samples from white male Harvard and Yale tenured faculty members at supersonic speeds. The collisions create, in the words of Cal Tech Distinguished Professor Buford Ranson, "the essence of an ego so huge that, when it breaks wind, it attempts to bottle the expelled gas and sell it as air freshener. Now THAT'S chutzpah!"

Pfizer Pharmaceuticals has expressed an interest in working with the Cal Tech research team to create a wonder drug, combining Viagra with ego essence. Tentative name for the new product: Redwood.