PASS THE KETCHUP!

Chinese police have apologized for roughing up two Japanese journalists who arrived in the Muslim-majority Xinjiang region following an alleged terrorist attack (no joke). "It was all a big mistake," police chief Yo "Buzzcut" Fong told a press conference. "We thought they were Korean. No way this would have happened if we had realized they were Japanese. We are giving both journalists a box of two-dozen frozen panda burgers as an expression of our regret. Eat well, my friends. No burger can beat a panda burger!"