AL QAEDA: SO CLOSE, AND YET SO FAR

According to a Reuters news release, top intelligence officials claim that "Al Qaeda's safe haven in northwestern Pakistan is largely inaccessible to outside forces and unlikely to be eliminated soon by the U.S or Pakistani military" (no joke).

The main problem, according to Major General Edward "Sandsnot" Stubbins, is that Al Qaeda has placed a large and unambiguous "No Trespassing" sign on the door of its hideout. "As long as that sign is there, there's not a hell of a lot we can do. International law says we can't go in. It's a goddamn shame. We can look through the windows and see them drinking, playing cards, and urinating on pictures of Thomas Jefferson and Lou Gehrig. It just makes me want to puke!"

You're not the only one, General Stubbins. You're not the only one.