IRAQI VIOLENCE AND THE VIRGIN SHORTAGE

Experts predict that suicide bombings in Iraq will decline sharply during the remainder of July and August, after an announcement yesterday by the Celestial News Bureau (CNB) that there are no more virgins left in heaven for deceased bombers to have sex with.

According to CNB spokesman, Archangel Izzy Marzool, "We have lots of women up here who've only had sex once or twice, but apparently that's not good enough for the blown-up nut-cases we're getting these days. It's amazing that these guys are being so picky; I mean, given the shape they're in when they arrive at our gates, it's not like they're the best-looking fellows in Paradise. Hell, I spend most of my mornings giving out prosthetic noses to these clowns."