TURNING THE CORNER ON INTESTINAL ABUSE?

A bill that would require chain restaurants to include calorie information on their menus was recently introduced in the Connecticut legislature. Although opposed by the Connecticut Retail Merchants Association, a spokesman for the Applebee's franchise says they would welcome such a law. "We already have a fully annotated menu that alerts diners to the distinctive characteristics of our items," announced Dabney Lofland, Vice President for Public Relations. "For example, our Mandarin Orange and Pecan Salad is accompanied by the phrase 'smart choice,' while our Mighty Burger -- a hearty sandwich combining pastrami, corned beef, a 48-ounce hamburger patty, and a block of cheddar cheese, all marinated in a smoother-than-silk dressing of melted Dove Bars and lard -- carries the warning, 'You eat this, you die.' Similarly, our three-pound Bucket o' Curly Fries, Pork Rinds, and Donut Holes appears with the notation, 'Only a mental defective would order this septic-tank sludge; have you no respect for your body?' As you can see, at Applebee's, we take our nutrition responsibilities seriously."

Let's just hope that TGIF follows suit.