BLAGOJEVICH SOBS, EXPLAINS TORTURED PAST

At a press conference on Monday, disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich blamed his recent troubles on his last name. "Just try growing up with a name like Blagojevich," the Governor lamented. "It sounds like a cross between a profane oath and a sneeze emerging from the butt end of a yak. Do you have ANY idea of the crap I had to endure as a child with a name like this? I'm surprised I didn't turn out to be a serial killer, rather than the arrogant little shakedown artist I happen to be."