THE HELLISH FIGURES ABOUT HEAVEN

Several months ago TIME magazine reported survey results indicating that 75% of all Americans "believe their family will get into heaven." Today, in a press conference held by the Celestial Public Information Office (the official news agency of Heaven), Earth Liaison and Archangel Beatifica Weiss noted that the true percentage of "heavenly ascensions" has been well below 75% in the United States for at least the past decade. For example, just under 40% of all American families whose last member died in 2006 actually went to heaven. This is a steep drop from the all-time of 83%, achieved in 1957.

According to Archangel Weiss, "Research suggests that the main reason for the sharp decline in recent years has been Internet pornography addiction among white males. Indeed, the number of white males going to heaven in the past three years has been so small as to be almost statistically insignificant. In 2006, for instance, only 17 deceased white men attained Everlasting Happiness, and 15 of those had to spend extensive time to Purgatory. Only two were able to use the Express Lane. The day is fast approaching when Divine Affirmative Action may be necessary on behalf of the White American Man."

A side effect of these developments has been serious overcrowding in Hell. Many of the Eternally Damned are now sent to maximum security prisons in West Virginia. Some of these individuals escape and run for political office.