BRITAIN AND IRAN: THE UNTOLD STORY

Iranian officials confirmed today that diplomacy played no role in their decision to release the British sailors accused of trespassing their nation's boundaries.

Rather, it was all about cuisine.

According to Iranian Minister of Culture Fasad Gasid Hassood, the sailors had received permission to prepare their own meals while being held in captivity. "The fish and chips were fine," Hassood observed, "but things went downhill from there. Those awful, awful scones! They were as dry and tasteless as the hump hair on a dead camel! And the steak-and-kidney pie! Merciful Allah! I can't believe they put that excrement in their mouths! Don't let their accents fool you -- these people are savages! We had to release them. The guards were getting sick just looking at them eat!"

Representatives of the British negotiating team chose not to comment.