AL-QAEDA AND THE LANGUAGE OF TERROR
According to a CIA report that will be released next week, the reason that al-Qaeda harbors a deep and abiding hatred for the United States has nothing to do with fundamentalist religious ideology or the corrosive influence of unfettered Western capitalism.
The source of antipathy is a vowel.
As stated in the report's Executive Summary, "members of al-Qaeda apparently believe that the U.S. is responsible for the fact that a 'U' does not follow the 'Q' in 'al-Qaeda'." The report quotes a highly placed al-Qaeda official, who claims that "We used to be al-Quaeda, but now we're al-Qaeda. 'al-ky-duh' -- that sounds really stupid; 'al-quay-duh' has dignity. Even my own people make fun of 'al-Qaeda'. It's humiliating. And look at the United States, flaunting its big, fat 'U' right in our faces, just like a porn-movie star strutting around with his fly open at a eunuchs' convention. The U.S. stole our 'U' and we want it back! Do not trifle with us! Give us our vowel, you Emissaries of Satan!"
Anonymous sources in the Pentagon claim that renowned linguist Noam Chomsky has agreed to serve as a mediator between the U.S. and al-Qaeda in the dispute. According to Professor Chomsky, "We should be able to find enough vowels to satisfy everybody."
According to a CIA report that will be released next week, the reason that al-Qaeda harbors a deep and abiding hatred for the United States has nothing to do with fundamentalist religious ideology or the corrosive influence of unfettered Western capitalism.
The source of antipathy is a vowel.
As stated in the report's Executive Summary, "members of al-Qaeda apparently believe that the U.S. is responsible for the fact that a 'U' does not follow the 'Q' in 'al-Qaeda'." The report quotes a highly placed al-Qaeda official, who claims that "We used to be al-Quaeda, but now we're al-Qaeda. 'al-ky-duh' -- that sounds really stupid; 'al-quay-duh' has dignity. Even my own people make fun of 'al-Qaeda'. It's humiliating. And look at the United States, flaunting its big, fat 'U' right in our faces, just like a porn-movie star strutting around with his fly open at a eunuchs' convention. The U.S. stole our 'U' and we want it back! Do not trifle with us! Give us our vowel, you Emissaries of Satan!"
Anonymous sources in the Pentagon claim that renowned linguist Noam Chomsky has agreed to serve as a mediator between the U.S. and al-Qaeda in the dispute. According to Professor Chomsky, "We should be able to find enough vowels to satisfy everybody."
posted by Mike | 7:51 PM
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