THE REVENGE OF MELLOW YELLOW

I've been a college professor for three decades, and I'm often asked how students have changed over the years. The answer is simple:

Today, female students are much more likely to get up in the middle of class to go to the bathroom than they were in 1976.

In a graduate class with 25 students, it's not unusual for 4 or 5 women to make a trip to the ladies' room in the first 90 minutes. This trend has long puzzled me -- and my university colleagues -- until I read an article in the December Scientific American by French urologist Sabine Surfleur. According to Dr. Surfleur, the twin culprits are 7-Eleven and the jeans industry. She writes: "Females are, with increasing frequency, consuming 64-ounce Big Gulp beverages just before coming to class. Many of these women also wear jeans that are incredibly tight in the region of the lower torso. The result is a urination-related 'Perfect Storm'. The bladder attempts to expand in order to accommodate the tsunami of Mountain Dew pouring into it, but the attempt is thwarted by the constricting pressure of the stretched-to-the-ripping- point jeans. The student then experiences an urgent need to engage in what we refer to as an MPE (Major Pee Evacuation), and she rushes out of the classroom. Sometimes she makes it, and, sadly, sometimes she does not. In the latter case the student often does not return to class, but chooses instead to go home. What we have now is, quite frankly, a public health epidemic."

College grades of female students are plummeting in both the United States and Europe. Studies indicate that, at any given moment in a college classroom, up to 45% of the female students are thinking, "I must pee. I have absolutely got to pee!" Most of the rest are thinking, "Let me be your Caribbean Queen, Johnny Depp!"

I'm not sure about Europe, but here in the U.S., I think it's time for our government to take action. Get your head out of Youraq, Mr. President, and do something.