PINCH ME, BLANCHE; I THINK I'VE DIED AND GONE TO PIGSKIN HEAVEN

In a move hailed by churchgoers and football fans everywhere, the Vatican and ESPN held a joint press conference in Rome today to announce the following:

Beginning in September of 2007, a limited number of NFL regular-season games will be played at 10:00 am on Sunday mornings and broadcast on the Hail Mary Network, a network only available at Roman Catholic churches throughout the U.S. At these locations a TV screen will be mounted above the altar, enabling viewers to watch the game while attending 10:00 am Mass. The extra-large, plasma-screen TVs are being donated by Circuit City as part of their "God and Country" technology initiative.

"This is a win-win-win agreement," proclaimed Papal Assistant, Cardinal Vincenzo Portabello. "More men will be in the pews on Sunday, which is good for the Church and the men's souls. And every Sunday now becomes an NFL TV quadruple-header, with games at 10:00, 1:00, 4:15, and 8:30. which is great for professional football." Cardinal Portabello, who sported an Indianapolis Colts baseball cap at the press conference, said that the Vatican has awarded the contract for the 10:00 am hot-wings concession to KFC. "KFC has also offered to provide wafers and bread for the communion service," the Cardinal noted, "but we want to evaluate parishioner satisfaction with the hot wings first."

Program Note: "Communion Game Day," hosted by Joe Namath, Lawrence Taylor, and Mel Gibson, will air at 9:00 am on football Sundays.