CAR WASH

Today I got my car washed. Getting your car washed used to be pretty simple. You paid a set fee, and then they washed your car.

Not any more. The number of price and service options you now have to consider before making a decision is intimidating, to say the least. Here are the choices that were available to me at Splash, the place where I went this afternoon:

$10.95 We pee on your car.

$12.95 We spray water, but no detergent, on your vehicle.

$14.95 We provide water and detergent, but only wash the hood, roof, and trunk of your car. (No doors or fenders)

$16.95 Full exterior wash, but no rinse.

$20.95 Full exterior wash with rinse, but we don't roll up the windows beforehand and we'll probably snap off the antenna.

$25.95 The Royal Treatment: Full wash and rinse with the windows closed, and a commitment not to break anything.

$30.95 The King's Ransom: Includes the Royal Treatment plus a flossing of the grooves on all four tires by a licensed dental hygienist.

$50.95 The Gold Standard: Includes the King's Ransom plus a colonoscopy for the driver and one passenger. A Splash employee will drive you home.

My suggestion: if you're over 55, get the Gold Standard.