DECISION BY GOD EXPECTED TO INCREASE BOWLING, MINIATURE GOLF REVENUE

The Supreme Being plans to remove all pleasure from the human sexual act by the end of 2011, according to informed sources. In the words of one unnamed archangel, "The spate of recent sexual scandals involving prominent politicians, as well as all the controversy over gay marriage, has caused God to throw up His hands and say, 'ENOUGH.' Sex is just not worth all the trouble it causes." Beginning in 2012, engaging in intercourse or its variants will be about as pleasurable as brushing one's teeth. This decision is widely seen as victory for Catholic lobbyists, who for centuries have claimed that the only justification for sexual relations is reproduction. Manufacturers of products for erectile dysfunction are expected to be especially hard hit by the elimination of sexual enjoyment. "Thousands of jobs are at stake," laments Pfizer CEO Charles "Corky" Thompson. "It's just not fair. No guy's going to pay a lot of money to load his gun if it's no fun to shoot it."