FIRST DAVID ORTIZ, NOW JESUS CHRIST?

On the heels of news that beloved Boston Red Sox slugger David "Big Papi" Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, the Washington Post reported today that Jesus Christ's resurrection from the dead over 2000 years ago was almost certainly aided by steroids. "All the evidence points to the conclusion that Jesus was a major steroid user," according to Dr. Stanley K. Fenton, Professor of Religious Studies and Pharmacology at Union Theological Seminary. "Paintings of Jesus as a young man depict an individual of slender build with thin arms. However, renderings of the furious Christ evicting money-changers from the temple clearly show Him with well-developed biceps glistening like varnished battleship cables. This is about the time when we suspect that he began taking steroids, and the temple incident was probably his first episode of 'roid rage."

The Vatican declined to comment, except to note that steroids were not illegal during Christ's stay on earth. "All of His records will stay intact," asserted Papal record-keeper Cardinal Giuseppe Abondanza.