THE WAR OF WORDS IN THE MIDDLE EAST

Representatives of Hezbellah announced today that they will continue to launch missiles, lawn darts, and heavily spiced spitballs at Israel until reporters stop spelling their name incorrectly. "It's not 'Hezbellah' or 'Hezbollah' or 'Hizbollah' or 'Hizbellah' or 'Hersbelowhoohah', proclaimed Habib "Shecky" Al-Kafir, Hezbellah's Deputy Prime Minister of Communications and Corporate Catering. "The correct spelling is 'Hurtzbeauboobalah'. Is that really so hard to remember? Jeez!"

In a related story, by a vote of 412 to 78, the Hamas Supreme Council decided yesterday to change its name to "Hummus". "We're going to appeal directly to the vegetarian-suicide-bomber demographic," asserted Maazeri "Big Ben" Bin-laden, Assistant Commissioner of Land Mines, Barbed-Wire Foot Gougers, and Pointy Piercing Thingies. "Terrorism isn't just for carnivores anymore."

FUN AND GAMES

As of 6:30 pm on Thursday, July 20th, my Blog profile had received 446 visits. To thank all of you for your support over the past few months, I am having a party at Oprah Winfrey's house on Saturday night. It's a potluck, so bring your favorite dish. If you're wondering what to contribute, we could really use more salads.

Things should be getting under way between 5:30 and 6:00. If there's no room in Oprah's driveway when you arrive, you can park across the street in the lot for Applebee's. Please do NOT park on Oprah's lawn. Thanks. Can't wait to see you!

PS: If you have lawn darts, please bring them.

OH NO, NOT AGAIN!

Last week it was Christie Brinkley separating from her fourth husband.

Today, the word is that Carmen Electra is breaking up with Dave Navarro.

I know, I know -- I don't care either.

CHRISTIE BRINKLEY AND THE PAIN OF BEAUTY

You've probably heard the sad news: Christie Brinkley, formerly married to Billy Joel, has separated from her fourth husband. I don't know Christie all that well, but we did go to high school together, so I e-mailed my condolences and asked her what had gone wrong. Her response:

"Mike, after all these years I finally realize that I need to be with someone as gorgeous as myself. I feel horrible saying this, but it was incredibly depressing to look across the breakfast table every morning and gaze at someone who looked so....so....so ORDINARY! It would make me frown, and over time that would make my face wrinkle, and that would make me unhappy, and then I would frown some more, and then......OH GOD, IT WAS SUCH A VICIOUS CYCLE!!! You have no idea, Mike! I would simply hide in the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and leaf through Vogue for hours."

"Cindy Crawford and I have decided to move in together. There's nothing romantic between us -- at least not yet. But we do enjoy looking at each other. That's a start, at least. Maybe it will develop into something more. I know, I know, Cindy has the brainpower of a lima bean. But I don't care. I'm as dumb as a stick of butter myself. What's important right now is that I stop frowning. Take care, Mike."

I hope all of you join me in wishing Christie the best of luck as she embarks on this new path in her life.

BREAKING NEWS: ARAB-ISRAELI CONFLICT FINALLY TO BE RESOLVED!

In a joint press conference held on Sunday morning by Israel, Palestine, and FIFA, it was announced that penalty kicks will determine the winner of this centuries-old dispute in the Middle East. The competition, to be broadcast by ESPN, will be held on September 1st at the Crystal Lake Superdome in Geneva, Switzerland.

"I just wish we had come up with this solution decades ago," proclaimed Mohammed Aboud Mohammed-Mohammed, a representative of Hamas. "Think of the lives that would have been saved." "I couldn't agree more," chimed in Seamus O'Leary Weinstein, an Israeli Deputy Minister. "Although I certainly hope we emerge victorious, I pledge to offer a sincere 'mazel tov' to the winner, whoever that is."

When asked by a reporter if the use of penalty kicks trivializes the seriousness of the Arab-Israeli conflict, Mr. Mohammed flashed a wry smile and scratched his head: "Gee, I hadn't thought of that. Abandoning the bombing and killing and bloodshed may turn out to be a mistake; they've been so successful in solving our problems in the past."

WHAT PRICE DRYNESS?

I heard a radio ad today for botox treatments for excessive underarm perspiration. The side effects include "bleeding at the injection site" and "non-underarm perspiration."

Well, that's just great. There's nothing sexier than blood-soaked armpits and little pools of sweat on the top of one's head. Yep, that's the person I'd try to get to know better at a singles bar.

I prefer my grandmother's remedy: duct-tape cotton balls to each armpit, and change them once a week. Don't pull slowly when removing the tape.