BREAKING NEWS: ARAB-ISRAELI CONFLICT FINALLY TO BE RESOLVED!

In a joint press conference held on Sunday morning by Israel, Palestine, and FIFA, it was announced that penalty kicks will determine the winner of this centuries-old dispute in the Middle East. The competition, to be broadcast by ESPN, will be held on September 1st at the Crystal Lake Superdome in Geneva, Switzerland.

"I just wish we had come up with this solution decades ago," proclaimed Mohammed Aboud Mohammed-Mohammed, a representative of Hamas. "Think of the lives that would have been saved." "I couldn't agree more," chimed in Seamus O'Leary Weinstein, an Israeli Deputy Minister. "Although I certainly hope we emerge victorious, I pledge to offer a sincere 'mazel tov' to the winner, whoever that is."

When asked by a reporter if the use of penalty kicks trivializes the seriousness of the Arab-Israeli conflict, Mr. Mohammed flashed a wry smile and scratched his head: "Gee, I hadn't thought of that. Abandoning the bombing and killing and bloodshed may turn out to be a mistake; they've been so successful in solving our problems in the past."