AFGHAN TERRORISTS FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Taliban leaders held an emergency meeting in Kabul on Tuesday in a frantic effort to remember what they're so pissed off about. "We know we hate everybody, especially women, but for the life of us we can't recall why," lamented Kefezzi al-Gnocchi, a spokesman for the group. "We realized that we needed such a meeting when, just before he detonated himself in a crowded marketplace on Monday, one of our most dedicated 14-year-old suicide bombers asked if he could just go to high school instead and get laid."