PRESIDENT'S RECOMMENDATION WREAKS HAVOC WITH THE MENTALLY ILL

President Obama's suggestion that Americans wash their hands frequently in response to the swine flu epidemic has generated widespread panic among obsessive compulsives with authoritarian tendencies, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. "These folks are scrubbing their hands right down to the bone marrow," claims Dr. Leonard Fitzmartin, Director of the Hygiene Division. "They're walking into hospital emergency rooms with nothing but bones and tendons dangling below their wrists. It's horrific. A lot of them are apparently using detergent for automatic dishwashers to clean their hands. Doctors are helpless. For the love of God, Mr. President, take back what you said."