BE SURE TO GRAB A SEAT CLOSE TO THE STAGE Getting a jump on the Democratic and Republican conventions this summer, the first full day of Al-Qaida's annual Suicide Bombers Conference in Vienna ended tragically this evening when nobody died. Conference spokesman Hakeed-Heekad-Hukaderoo apologized to all who came to the plenary session expecting to see a demonstration by the Baghdad Ladies Auxiliary of the latest in self-immolation technology. "Tomorrow will be a better day," Hakeed promised. "There will be much burning and charring and searing of human flesh. Bring a friend, or better yet, bring an enemy. You won't go home disappointed. In fact, if things go well, you won't go home at all!" PLEASE NOTE: Grin will be on vacation until August 6th. You're on your own for the next 13 days.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PIERCE, PLEASE STOP When I am king, it will be illegal for Pierce "Mamma Mia!" Brosnan to sing in a movie......or in a play.....or in a bar......or in his own home. It's just too, too painful.
The interrogation technique of waterboarding has served a "valuable" purpose and does not constitute torture, former Attorney General John Ashcroft told a House committee on Thursday. However, Ashcroft, a famously conservative Christian, did acknowledge that dancing in public between a man and a woman is the "work of the devil."
BRETT FAVRE: HIS SECRET REVEALED In an emotional press conference on Tuesday afternoon, Brett Favre claimed that the Green Bay Packers forced him to retire due to prostate problems. "Because of an enlarged prostate, I had to call many time-outs last season just so I could go to the sidelines and urinate into a Gatorade cup," the tearful quarterback confessed. "But I'm doing much better now. A doctor injects my whoopsy-doodle with a freezing agent every morning, and I'm all set for the rest of the day. I don't get the urge to pee until late in the evening, but when I finally do, WATCH OUT! My stream can burn a hole through titanium body armor! Here, watch this."
WOULD THEY GET THE SAME RESULTS WITH KRAMER? Researchers at the University of Virginia have found that new mothers who watch an inspiring video clip from Oprah are more likely to leak milk into a nursing pad than mothers who watch a video of Jerry Seinfeld performing stand-up comedy (no joke). However, viewing a video of Jerry Seinfeld lactating causesALLof the mothers to immediately stop leaking.
YET ANOTHER REASON FOR PREFERRING McCAIN OVER MITT ROMNEY In Apex, North Carolina, 30 sheep were found living in the home of David Watts last year (no joke). On Tuesday, court officials announced that charges of animal cruelty against Mr. Watts had finally been dropped, when it was confirmed that Watts was in fact a Mormon who had been married to at least 12 of the sheep for the past 8 years.
THE ELIS ARE BLUER THAN USUAL THIS YEAR Yale University became the most selective school in the United States on Friday, when its Admissions Director announced that Yale had not accepted any of the 20,214 applicants who wished to enroll at the Ivy League powerhouse in the fall of 2008. "It was an agonizing decision, but we are not about to compromise our standards simply for the sake of having an entering class every year," commented Director L. Stanley Pickerson. "We did that once, when we admitted George W. Bush, and now the entire world is paying the price." When reporters pointed out that the applicant pool included 312 students with perfect SAT scores, a high school senior from Minnesota who had built a fully functional perpetual motion machine out of Ramen noodles, and another student who had found a cure for pancreatic cancer, Pickerson responded, "I don't deny that we had some very good applicants. But we just didn't have any that were of Yale quality."
PLEASE, LET THEM FORNICATE IN PEACE Grin has invoked the "Fish in a Barrel" rule concerning humor related to the recent alleged relationship between Madonna and baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez ("A-Rod"). Thank you for your attention to this matter.
FINALLY, AN ISSUE THAT UNITES STRAIGHTS AND GAYS IN CALIFORNIA July 1st, 2008 marked the beginning of a new era in California: Talking on a cell phone while operating a motor vehicle is now illegal throughout the state (no joke). The regulation took effect with little fanfare, which is unlikely to be the case when a "No-Sex-With-More-Than-One-Person-While-Driving-A-Car" law hits the books on January 1st, 2009.
