THE ELIS ARE BLUER THAN USUAL THIS YEAR

Yale University became the most selective school in the United States on Friday, when its Admissions Director announced that Yale had not accepted any of the 20,214 applicants who wished to enroll at the Ivy League powerhouse in the fall of 2008. "It was an agonizing decision, but we are not about to compromise our standards simply for the sake of having an entering class every year," commented Director L. Stanley Pickerson. "We did that once, when we admitted George W. Bush, and now the entire world is paying the price." When reporters pointed out that the applicant pool included 312 students with perfect SAT scores, a high school senior from Minnesota who had built a fully functional perpetual motion machine out of Ramen noodles, and another student who had found a cure for pancreatic cancer, Pickerson responded, "I don't deny that we had some very good applicants. But we just didn't have any that were of Yale quality."