IT WASN'T KOBE'S FAULT

(Sports Illustrated) After a week of repeated "no comments" to reporters, Los Angeles Lakers' coach Phil Jackson revealed on Friday why his team played no defense against the Boston Celtics in this year's NBA championship series. Jackson, long noted for his Zen approach to the game, maintained that while the Lakers could have tried to prevent the Celtics from scoring, they made a conscious decision not to do so. "Playing defense is so 'defensive'," Jackson observed. "It generates negativity and congestion in the intestinal tract and causes your poop to come out looking like rabbit pellets. If you play defense long enough, colon cancer is a virtual certainty. I don't want that for my team. If we can't win by playing offense alone, we don't want to win. May the force of healthy bowel movements always be with you. Go in peace."

TRUST ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE SAID ABOUT STAMFORD

When asked in a recent national poll if they were "absolutely certain" that God or a universal spirit existed, only 57% of Connecticut residents answered yes (no joke). In sharp contrast, when God was asked if the majority of wealthy residents in Greenwich, CT were total a**holes, He responded "without a doubt."

BURN, BABY, BURN

In response to the legalization of gay marriage in California, the Hades Information Office announced yesterday that Hell will be opening a new resort in the fall: Barbecue Acres. According to Satan, "Barbecue Acres will provide luxurious, though incredibly hot, accommodations for gay couples condemned to an eternity of suffering for their choice of lifestyle. The resort will be adjacent to Rotisserie Estates, reserved for heterosexual couples who do not object to gay marriage, and Microwave Manor, a maximum-security facility for everyone else who had sex while they were alive.

THE BIG BROWN COLLAPSE: MYSTERY SOLVED

In a somber press conference this morning, a tearful Big Brown, speaking through legendary horse whisperer Robert Redford, admitted that an eating disorder contributed to his dismal performance yesterday in the Belmont Stakes. "I am anorexic," Brown confessed. "For the past three weeks I've been obsessed with the pudginess of my shanks. And except for a small cup of strawberry yogurt on Thursday, I've had nothing to eat for 12 days. When the time came for the race, I just didn't have the strength or stamina to do my best. I want to apologize to my owner, my jockey, and all my fans for letting them down. I'm determined to beat this thing. If the Olsen twins can do it, know I can."

COMFORT CLOTHES EASE THE PASSING OF YVES SAINT LAURENT

In a copyrighted story in Glamour magazine that will be published on Monday, sources reveal what fashion icon Yves Saint Laurent was wearing when he passed away on June 1st: a black silk dress shirt with gold trim buttoned to the neck; "relaxed fit" Levi jeans with a titanium zipper fly; persimmon boxer shorts; burgundy tube socks with a "dolphin safe" logo; and a pair of L. L. Bean Maine Guide boots. The only jewelry Mr. Laurent wore at the time of his death was an Indiana Jones Crystal Skull pinky ring.

MILESTONES IN SCIENCE # 142

Researchers at the University of Illinois have found that stun guns ("Tasers"), which deliver about 1,500 volts of electricity to the target with each hit, can impair an individual's cognitive functioning (no joke). In a related study, scientists at Carnegie-Mellon University report that whacking a small boy repeatedly across the forehead with a foot-long piece of plywood causes "ear-ringing and cranial discomfort."

WHO WAS THAT MASKED WOMAN?

(Associated Press) Dressed in combat fatigues and wielding a machete, Hillary Clinton vowed on Sunday to take her Presidential campaign underground, "into the tunnels and sewer systems of America. From there I will emerge when my opponent least expects it, giving speeches that will churn the blood of superdelegates, who will rise on my behalf at the Democratic National Convention. Vive Clinton!! Vive Clinton!! Vive Clinton!! Yi-yi-yi-yi!!" The Senator from New York then jumped from the podium and sprinted into the forest.