AND COMING IN JUNE: THE MEMOIRS OF BUSH'S PROCTOLOGIST The White House has responded aggressively to Scott McClellan's negative characterization of the Bush administration in his just-released book. Current press secretary Dana Perino commented, "We are puzzled. It is sad. This is not the Scott we knew" (no joke). Perino continued, noting that "The Scott we knew was an eager-to-please toady, sycophant, and boot-licker who'd lie through his teeth for us. He had the moral convictions of a bowl of lukewarm spit, and we loved him for it."
McCAIN/REAGAN IN 2008? (Associated Press) In a not-so-subtle attempt to divert attention from his own age, John McCain named former President Ronald Reagan as his running mate for the 2008 Presidential race. "Mr. Reagan is 97," the Senator announced at a press conference yesterday in Topeka, Kansas. "He's a quarter-century older than I am, and he's still as sharp as a tack. For the love of God, let's stop talking about how old I am. It's a non-issue." When informed by reporters that Reagan had died in 2004, McCain responded with outrage, claiming that Barack Obama was the murderer. He then became distracted by a Monarch butterfly that had been fluttering around the room, and pursued it into the parking lot.
A 405-year-old quahog clam was found living off the coast of Iceland last year (no joke). When asked to share the secret of its longevity, "Skippy the Clam" replied, "I've never smoked, I exercise regularly by moving at least an inch per week, and I spend two hours every day trying to figure out what my private parts look like. It keeps the mind sharp."
HILLARY: "I'LL NEVER FORGET THE WHITES OF WEST VIRGINIA" (Associated Press) Hillary Clinton stunned an audience of senior citizens in Wheeling, West Virginia earlier today, when she specifically thanked elderly white people for their support in her primary victory on Tuesday. "I know that being white isn't nearly as easy as it used to be," Clinton remarked. "And when you reach an age where it's clear that physical decline and death are just around the corner, it can be extra tough, especially when you're poor and pathetically under-educated. My heart goes out to every last one of you toothless grade-school dropouts. I promise that if I'm elected President, you'll never have to apologize again for being ignorant, heavily wrinkled, and Caucasian. Your time has come. Please don't die before November. I need your vote!" The crowd of nearly 1500 took out their dentures and raised them high in the air, chanting "Clythumkh, Clythumkh!"
IF YOU HAVE TO ASK...... Former Patriots video assistant Matt Walsh met with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and Sen. Arlen Specter on Tuesday to discuss New England's videotaping of opposing coaches' play-calling signals in violation of league rules (no joke). Following the meetings, Walsh revealed that the Patriots had also videotaped the Dallas Cowboys' cheerleaders during their annual Victoria's Secret Post-Bubble-Bath Pillow Fight in the bedroom of team owner Jerry Jones. When asked by reporters why these latter tapes had been made, Walsh responded, "Huh?"
Delivering a Mother's Day message on National Public Radio on Friday, former First Lady Barbara Bush apologized to the nation. When reporters asked her what she was apologizing for, Mrs. Bush responded simply, "You've got to be kidding."
A new, simplified family tree of humanity, published Sunday in the prestigious journal Nature, asserts that Neanderthals were a species that evolved separately from Homo sapiens (no joke). According to Dr. Winslow Taylor-Pith, the study's principal investigator, "With this finding, we can finally explain the existence of a subgroup of men who make telephone calls to sports-talk shows on AM radio. This has been one of the enduring mysteries of modern science."
