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A new, simplified family tree of humanity, published Sunday in the prestigious journal Nature, asserts that Neanderthals were a species that evolved separately from Homo sapiens (no joke). According to Dr. Winslow Taylor-Pith, the study's principal investigator, "With this finding, we can finally explain the existence of a subgroup of men who make telephone calls to sports-talk shows on AM radio. This has been one of the enduring mysteries of modern science."