HILLARY: "I'LL NEVER FORGET THE WHITES OF WEST VIRGINIA"

(Associated Press) Hillary Clinton stunned an audience of senior citizens in Wheeling, West Virginia earlier today, when she specifically thanked elderly white people for their support in her primary victory on Tuesday. "I know that being white isn't nearly as easy as it used to be," Clinton remarked. "And when you reach an age where it's clear that physical decline and death are just around the corner, it can be extra tough, especially when you're poor and pathetically under-educated. My heart goes out to every last one of you toothless grade-school dropouts. I promise that if I'm elected President, you'll never have to apologize again for being ignorant, heavily wrinkled, and Caucasian. Your time has come. Please don't die before November. I need your vote!"

The crowd of nearly 1500 took out their dentures and raised them high in the air, chanting "Clythumkh, Clythumkh!"