SHARPTON THREATENS TO STICK KNITTING NEEDLES INTO THE EYES OF NEW YORKERS

In New York, the Reverend Al Sharpton promised to "close this city down" to protest the acquittals of three police detectives in the 50-shot barrage that killed a groom on his wedding day (no joke). When reporters asked the veteran activist how he planned to accomplish this feat, he said that he was going to have sex with Aretha Franklin in Times Square while the two of them bounced on a trampoline. "I guarantee you that we'll clear the place out in less than three minutes," Sharpton chuckled.