BARACK AND JEREMIAH: THE THRILL IS GONE

Barack Obama has denounced the Reverend Jeremiah Wright for "divisive and destructive" remarks on race, seeking to distance himself from his former pastor (no joke). In a dramatic move on Tuesday, Obama filed a petition for divorce from Wright in family court in Chicago, citing "irreconcilable differences" with the Reverend. "We've just grown apart over the years," the candidate told reporters. "The spark, the romance, the excitement, they're all gone. We don't like to do the same things any more. I still enjoy double dating with white couples, but all Jeremiah wants to do these days is sneak up behind Caucasians with a shovel, beat them over the head until they're unconscious, and then drive over them with his SUV. That's not what I'm about." Obama's eyes reddened as he wistfully observed, "But we'll always have Paris."