VAMPIRE MOVIE GENERATES MEDICAL ALERT

Viewing The Twilight Saga: New Moon could cause brain damage, according to a recent study conducted by scientists at Tulane University. When common field mice were placed in front of a flat-screen TV showing the film, they later displayed clear signs of neurological dysfunction and depression. Lead researcher Winston Claxton noted that 40% of the mice tried to commit suicide by hanging themselves from the light fixtures in their cages, using their own chewed-off tails as nooses. "I've never seen anything quite like it," Claxton exclaimed. "The effort involved in fashioning a workable noose out of a mouse tail is considerable, especially given that mouse paws are not designed to tie knots. These little critters must have really been motivated to kill themselves." Several of the deceased mice left suicide notes, focusing on how totally lame the film was. As one of the rodents put it, "This was the worst f**king movie I've ever seen, and that includes Rambo. I've pooped pellets that can out-act the dipshits in this turdfest."