HE WHO LIVES BY THE INTERNET, GOES TO HELL BY THE INTERNET

My alma mater, Boston College, maintains an online prayer request service for alumni, who email their intentions to BC's chapel, where they are then conveyed to God (no joke). This service worked exceedingly well until last week, when the BC server crashed and approximately 1400 requests were not delivered. College officials estimate that over 75 souls were not saved as a result of the mishap, including those of 17 dogs, 6 cats, and 1 parrot named "Cheeto."