OBAMA ENDORSES AFFIRMATIVE ACTION FOR WHITES

President and hoops enthusiast Barack Obama announced on Monday that he intends to ask the National Basketball Association to initiate an affirmative action policy for white players. "For far too many years, white youth throughout our nation have seen virtually no one who looks like them when they watch NBA games. The Larry Bird Era has been over for decades. It is time that these boys stop looking at their fathers with shame. It's time for them to stop thinking, 'I could never be an NBA star.' It's time for them to start believing, 'I can drive the lane. I can finger-roll. I can DUNK!' Yes, it's time for America to fulfill its promise to whites as well as to African-Americans."