SAY IT AIN'T SO, ROBERT, SAY IT AIN'T SO!
In the wake of last week's revelation by teen-heart-throb Lance Bass of 'N Sync that he is gay, Led Zeppelin lead-singer Robert Plant held a press conference this morning to announce that he has been a heterosexual since his teens. "I thought it was time to put an end to all the rumors," the still-sexy Plant proclaimed. "Although I've had sex with literally thousands of female groupies since the mid-1960s, in every country from Argentina to Zanzibar, I always denied my true feelings about these couplings. I would tell myself that I was just doing it because the girls wanted to make plaster casts of my wobblies. But now I have to admit, it was fun. A LOT of fun. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come out of the closet. But if my actions today can help just one heterosexual come to terms with his or her true desires, then my speaking out will have been worth it. This is more important than my career, dammit! It's about who I am, deep down inside."
Not everyone found Plant's admission persuasive. Gretchen O'Malley, a 51-year-old mother of two from Lansing, Michigan, recalled having sex with Plant on the counter of a Burger King in Detroit during the band's U.S. tour in 1970. "I remember everybody standing around us, trying to order Whoppers and fries, and there we were, all tangled up on the counter, going at it like bunnies on acid. And the whole time, he was humming Judy Garland tunes! No heterosexual I've ever met does that! Look, you can still see the key imprints on my back from when I rolled over onto the cash register!"
When informed of Ms. O'Malley's comments, Plant declined to comment, simply noting, "I knew her as 'Starflower', not 'Gretchen'."
In the wake of last week's revelation by teen-heart-throb Lance Bass of 'N Sync that he is gay, Led Zeppelin lead-singer Robert Plant held a press conference this morning to announce that he has been a heterosexual since his teens. "I thought it was time to put an end to all the rumors," the still-sexy Plant proclaimed. "Although I've had sex with literally thousands of female groupies since the mid-1960s, in every country from Argentina to Zanzibar, I always denied my true feelings about these couplings. I would tell myself that I was just doing it because the girls wanted to make plaster casts of my wobblies. But now I have to admit, it was fun. A LOT of fun. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to come out of the closet. But if my actions today can help just one heterosexual come to terms with his or her true desires, then my speaking out will have been worth it. This is more important than my career, dammit! It's about who I am, deep down inside."
Not everyone found Plant's admission persuasive. Gretchen O'Malley, a 51-year-old mother of two from Lansing, Michigan, recalled having sex with Plant on the counter of a Burger King in Detroit during the band's U.S. tour in 1970. "I remember everybody standing around us, trying to order Whoppers and fries, and there we were, all tangled up on the counter, going at it like bunnies on acid. And the whole time, he was humming Judy Garland tunes! No heterosexual I've ever met does that! Look, you can still see the key imprints on my back from when I rolled over onto the cash register!"
When informed of Ms. O'Malley's comments, Plant declined to comment, simply noting, "I knew her as 'Starflower', not 'Gretchen'."
posted by Mike | 3:56 PM
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