BABY STEPS TOWARD LIVING ON THE EDGE

I've always been a risk-averse sort of guy. Having recently turned 57, I think it's time to change. The question is: How do I begin?

The stategy I've chosen might be helpful to others in their quest to liberate their inner Indiana Jones. It's quite simple: I no longer abide by the expiration dates on food, beverages, and medicine. Last night I drank an entire can of Mountain Dew that had "4/15/06" stamped on the bottom. As I swallowed, I could feel my sense of empowerment growing. Tomorrow I plan to open a container of tuna fish that expired in December of 2005. The mayonnaise I will mix with the tuna comes from a jar that says, "Best used by February 1, 2006." And the relish that will be added? It expired on June 30, 2002. What did I take for my headache five minutes ago? Two aspirin from a bottle that ordered me to "discard this medication after 5/31/98." Yeah, right.

Just a small step towards a life of daring? Yes. But a step it is. Curdled milk, hit me with your best shot.

MIDNIGHT MYSTERY

Why do people buy little bottles of Poland Spring water, or any other bottled water, for that matter? To be more precise, why do they buy the SECOND bottle of water, once they have the first one that can be refilled from the tap?

Yes, I realize that some people live in areas where the public water supply tastes like moose urine with a hint of lime. But most people don't. A number of years ago Consumer Reports magazine did a blind taste test comparing New York tap water with a premium bottled water (no joke). The bottled water did not win.

When I'm king, purchasers of bottled water will be subjected to random IQ testing. Stop the madness.

VEGETARIAN MORTALITY

Let's face it: red meat isn't good for you; fruit and vegetables are. Vegetarians eat none of the former, and a lot of the latter. Given their healthy diets, I've always wondered what causes elderly vegetarians to pass on to that "great big farmer's market" in the sky, where heavenly cabins are built out of tofu logs and you sleep on pillows stuffed with lightly steamed broccoli florets.

Well, researchers at the Duke University Medical Center have answered this question. In a study published last week in the New England Journal of Medicine, the death certificates of over 5,000 vegetarians in the United States who lived to be over 100 years old were examined. The major causes of death:

32% -- Carrotopia Whack Syndrome: Many vegetarians consume huge quantities of carrots. Over time, these individuals ("carrotopians") develop a distinctive orange hue to their skin. While this condition is medically harmless, it puts its victims at risk when they walk near highway construction sites. Carrotopians are often mistaken for traffic cones, and workers frequently place them in locations that make them vulnerable to being hit by large, speeding vehicles. It is unclear why carrotopians do not object to being handled in this fashion, but the following category may provide a partial answer.

28% -- Boredom: As 102-year-old Jessica Mertz of Missoula, Montana put it, "If I have to eat one more god-damned rice cake this week, I'm going to shoot myself." She had to, and she did.

19% -- Guilt: In the poignant words of 114-year-old Sylvester Stickles, a resident of Bath, Maine, "I've been lying to myself my entire life: soy bacon, tofu hot dogs, hamburgers made from pencil shavings and fermented kelp. I'm outta here." Sylvester used his walker to shuffle over to the parking lot of a local bar and proceeded to urinate on a biker's Harley. The biker was still on it. That was that.

17% -- KFC Frenzy: This occurs when the distinctive aroma of fried chicken overcomes the vegetarian's life-long resistance to having a finger-lickin' good experience, and massive poultry consumption results. Death is caused not by the ingestion of chicken meat, but by the chicken BONES that the victim fails to realize should not be swallowed. "God, it was just awful," sobbed Trixie Taymoor, 27-year-old widow of Angus Arp Taymoor, 107, of Toledo, Ohio. "I even took off my tank top to try to distract Angus, but it was too late. He had already gulped down two chicken legs whole. I had never heard anything in my life as horrible as that GACK sound coming out of his throat. I loved him so much."

4% -- Hate crimes: A rare but growing problem. Offenders are usually young white males who work in the beef-jerky industry. If someone screams "Gouda gobbler", "melon sucker", or "zucchini licker" at you, watch out.

Thank you to fact-checkers Dabney C. and Henrietta J. for their help with this posting.

"NO PROBLEM"

When I am king, users of this phrase will be subjected to public floggings. It is a phrase devoid of meaningful content. Let's say you're at a restaurant and ask the waiter for an extra napkin. "No problem," he cheerfully replies, and then he proceeds to bring you an extra napkin.

Does this mean that if it WAS going to inconvenience him slightly to fetch you the napkin, his reply would have been, "Sorry, but it's a bit of a hassle for me to walk over to the napkin dispenser right now, so I don't think I will do this favor for you"? What a great message: if something is difficult to do, don't count on it getting done.

"OK, troops, at 1600 hours we're going over the top and storming the enemy's heavily armed position. Many of us will die."

"No problem."

I'm glad we've cleared this up. Our next prohibited phrase will be, "Have a good one!" More later.