SUICIDE BOMBING NOT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE, STUDY FINDS

Only 14% of suicide bombers go to heaven, according to a study recently completed by the International Academy of Afterlife Science (IAAS). The vast majority, 81%, end up in the deepest recesses of hell, where they burn and blister for all eternity. "Most of these folks spent their entire day screaming," reports Charles Rangeworth, Ph.D., a Princeton theologian who directed the research. "It's pretty grim." The fate of the remaining 5% of the bombers is unaccounted for, "but our preliminary data indicate that they may be reincarnated as sea sponges," Rangeworth reports.