NEBRASKA JETTISONS OLD SPARKY FOR NFL DRAFT FOOTAGE

On the basis of a recommendation from its state medical association, Nebraska will replace the electric chair with videos of the annual National Football League draft as a means of delivering capital punishment to death row prisoners, beginning in 2011. "It's a much more humane procedure," Dr. Quentin Thornberry of the Department of Corrections announced at a press conference on Sunday. "In some cases it can take an electric chair up to 7 minutes to completely fry an inmate, especially if he or she weighs more than 200 pounds. On the other hand, watching the NFL draft typically causes brain death within 45 seconds, especially if it's the Oakland Raiders' turn to make a pick. We've all noticed that fans who follow the draft religiously every year appear just a little bit 'slow' in everyday conversation."

WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING ARIZONA TURN OFF THE LIGHTS?

On Friday, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed legislation that makes it a crime under state law to be in the country illegally (no joke). Although supporters hailed the move as a bold step in the fight against illegal immigration, demographers warned that the strategy could backfire. According to Professor Charles F. Tyler at the University of Phoenix, "Nearly 83% of Arizona's legal residents hate living in this giant sand trap; most of them have moved to Alabama in the past three years. If we toss out the illegals, the only people left in our state will be prison inmates and abandoned infants. Do we really want to do this?"

AND SHE'S GOING TO TURN HER DIAPHRAGM INTO A MOUSE TRAMPOLINE

Sharon Osbourne is planning to have her breast implants removed this summer and will give them to her husband, Ozzy Osbourne, to use as a paperweight (no joke).

REYKJAVIK, YOUR TIME HAS COME

The recent volcanic eruption in Iceland has resulted in many Europeans becoming aware of the country's existence for the first time. The reaction of Pierre Foiseaux, a Parisian baker, is typical: "I had always thought Iceland was a small theme park in Norway. Now I find out that they've got their own capital and everything. Mon dieu!"

"I WAS INSPIRED BY RICKY MARTIN," TIGER PROCLAIMS

Tiger Woods will announce that he's a heterosexual at a Monday press conference prior to the start of the Masters Golf Tournament. "Tiger is tired of all the rumors about his sex life," his agent commented in a Saturday interview with ESPN Radio. "He wants the world to know that he's attracted to women, and that he's learned to live with it."

THAT'S LIKE, AMAZING

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe of teenagers in Bayonne, New Jersey whose spoken language consists entirely of the word "like." Over 2500 different inflections are used to convey distinct messages. "It's incredible," claims Princeton professor Scott Bayzen. "These kids are able to communicate complex, nuanced concepts with just one word. Of course there's a down side as well." Bayzen was referring to a recent incident in which one male tribe member tried to start a splinter group organized around the word "awesome." His body was recently discovered by a homeless man in a Newark landfill.