SUICIDE CAR BOMBERS: FINALLY, A SOLUTION

In a move that military analysts claim could turn the tide in the war against violence in Iraq, the Pentagon announced today that its elite Vehicular Enforcement Unit will begin issuing traffic citations to suicide car bombers in May of this year. As General Jeremiah "Gangrene" Kneelander framed the issue in a late-afternoon press conference, "We've been approaching this whole suicide-bombing problem ass-backwards. Up to now, these terrorist nut-cases have been able to plow headlong into a crowd and blow up their cars without suffering any negative consequences whatsoever. Well, let's see how brave these little sand-chompers are when they realize that a $250 ticket for reckless operation of a motor vehicle is waiting for them! Bring it on, bad boys!"

When Washington Post reporter Kyle Timley questioned the utility of giving a traffic ticket to a dead man (or woman), General Kneelander stepped out from behind the podium, hurled himself at Timley, and proceeded to fatally strangle the reporter with one hand while screaming, "Now there's one less Commie newsman sticking his ballpoint pen up my butt!"

Pentagon officials apologized for the incident, indicating that General Kneelander would be placed under house arrest and would not be allowed to carry his General Patton riding crop for 30 days.