OUR TROOPS ARE COMING HOME!

In an announcement that took his supporters and critics by surprise, President Bush promised in his weekly radio broadcast on Saturday to withdraw all U.S. troops from Iraq by the end of June. According to the President, "The war just isn't any fun any more, or at least it's not nearly as much fun as it used to be. Everybody seems to be pissed at me, and now that Donny [Rumsfeld] and Colin [Powell] aren't around, there's nobody to cheer me up when I get depressed. I wish someone had told me four years ago that American soldiers could get killed in this thing. I thought that only British and Belgian forces were going to be doing any of the real fighting. Condi Rice swears that she warned me about this back then, but dammit if I remember."

The President indicated that as soon as all U.S. soldiers are back in the States, safe and sound, he intends to start doing hard drugs again. "I've been to hell and back with this war," he observed.