SQUIRREL SUICIDE: A GROWING PROBLEM

For the third consecutive year, the number of squirrel suicides in the United States has increased, according to figures released yesterday by the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. "This is an alarming trend," remarked Eswood Hynchey, Deputy Statistician for the Service. "Historically, most squirrel deaths have resulted from accidents: being hit by automobiles, falling from tree limbs, choking on oversized acorns, and similar mishaps. Illness, of course, also takes its toll. Male squirrels are highly vulnerable to prostate cancer, and females to congestive heart failure. Suicide has never been a significant problem. But the suicide rate has grown from 3% of all squirrel deaths in 2004 to 23% last year. That's a startling increase."

Documenting suicides among squirrels is not easy, Hynchey conceded. "Depressed squirrels do not usually leave a note before jumping off a tree limb, or knowingly dashing in front of a speeding car. But the circumstantial evidence is often compelling: squirrels who give away their winter supply of acorns to friends, or who make peace with grackles at the bird feeder after years of scuffling with them; these are troubled creatures sending a message."

Though the reality of the jump in squirrel suicides is, at this point, not debatable, the reasons for the increase remain unclear. "Many of these squirrels voted for President Bush in 2004, and perhaps they feel betrayed by the President's performance since then. The chronology of the increase in the suicide rate is certainly consistent with this hypothesis, but the truth is, we just don't know the answer," Hynchey remarked.