GOD RETURNS!
After I reprinted a recent e-mail from the Almighty, I was asked by a reader to find out what God's opinion was of atheists, agnostics, and witches. I wrote Him a couple of weeks ago (yes, it turns out that God is male, after all), but just received a response earlier today. The Supreme Being's reply:
"Hi Mike; sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I was on Spring break at one of our most luxurious Heavenly vacation spots: the Celestial Resort and Spa in East Paradise. Frank Sinatra was performing. I love this guy; he's mellowed a lot since coming to heaven. As Ray Charles said to me at intermission: "He's not nearly the prick he was on Earth." By the way, Brother Ray can see now. 20/20. It was the least I could do for him, once he got here. Hell, I'm not sure why I blinded him in the first place. That's the problem with being an all-powerful deity. Sometimes you just do things because you can. Let's face it, humans get the shaft when I'm moody."
"You asked about my views of atheists, agnostics, and witches. Well, of course, atheists annoy me. How would YOU feel if someone denied your existence? It's their arrogance that really rankles. How can they be so sure they're right -- especially when they're so wrong? The fact that a garden slug can't imagine the existence of Major League Baseball doesn't mean that the Major Leagues aren't real. Give me a break! We've got a few atheists up here, and you should see their faces when I show up at the orientation session, dressed in my full, flowing-white-robe regalia. They just about poop their pants! A few of them apologize to me later, but most are too embarrassed."
"Agnostics? I love 'em. They're the most open-minded group we have in heaven. A pleasure to work with. When they get here they come right up and give me a firm handshake at orientation. And they're very involved in the organized activities we offer. The last three Presidents of the Deity Debate Club have been agnostics. I guess I like them so much because they really try to use the brains I created for people. Do you realize how long it took me to perfect the human brain? Almost two years, AND I was working weekends! To go to all that trouble and then see so many individuals use virtually none of the neurons I gave them is very disappointing. It's like having the keys to a Lexus but choosing to drive a Yugo instead. A damn shame. I always figured that humans would WANT to think. But I guess the upside is that we'll always have fans for professional wrestling."
"Not sure what to say about witches. I'll be honest; I don't like competing with women for power. Never have. It makes me nervous. I'm not proud saying that, but it's true. However, I'm NOT taking the blame for those Salem witch trials. That had nothing to do with me. We've got a lot of witches up here, and most of them are OK. They're always running for elective office; two-thirds of the Heavenly Council is composed of witches."
"Time to go. I'm taking a guitar class with Jimi Hendrix, and if you're late he won't let you in the door. By the way, the Council is considering making 'Purple Haze' the Official Song of the Heavenly Afterlife. What do you think? Ciao! -- Big G"
After I reprinted a recent e-mail from the Almighty, I was asked by a reader to find out what God's opinion was of atheists, agnostics, and witches. I wrote Him a couple of weeks ago (yes, it turns out that God is male, after all), but just received a response earlier today. The Supreme Being's reply:
"Hi Mike; sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I was on Spring break at one of our most luxurious Heavenly vacation spots: the Celestial Resort and Spa in East Paradise. Frank Sinatra was performing. I love this guy; he's mellowed a lot since coming to heaven. As Ray Charles said to me at intermission: "He's not nearly the prick he was on Earth." By the way, Brother Ray can see now. 20/20. It was the least I could do for him, once he got here. Hell, I'm not sure why I blinded him in the first place. That's the problem with being an all-powerful deity. Sometimes you just do things because you can. Let's face it, humans get the shaft when I'm moody."
"You asked about my views of atheists, agnostics, and witches. Well, of course, atheists annoy me. How would YOU feel if someone denied your existence? It's their arrogance that really rankles. How can they be so sure they're right -- especially when they're so wrong? The fact that a garden slug can't imagine the existence of Major League Baseball doesn't mean that the Major Leagues aren't real. Give me a break! We've got a few atheists up here, and you should see their faces when I show up at the orientation session, dressed in my full, flowing-white-robe regalia. They just about poop their pants! A few of them apologize to me later, but most are too embarrassed."
"Agnostics? I love 'em. They're the most open-minded group we have in heaven. A pleasure to work with. When they get here they come right up and give me a firm handshake at orientation. And they're very involved in the organized activities we offer. The last three Presidents of the Deity Debate Club have been agnostics. I guess I like them so much because they really try to use the brains I created for people. Do you realize how long it took me to perfect the human brain? Almost two years, AND I was working weekends! To go to all that trouble and then see so many individuals use virtually none of the neurons I gave them is very disappointing. It's like having the keys to a Lexus but choosing to drive a Yugo instead. A damn shame. I always figured that humans would WANT to think. But I guess the upside is that we'll always have fans for professional wrestling."
"Not sure what to say about witches. I'll be honest; I don't like competing with women for power. Never have. It makes me nervous. I'm not proud saying that, but it's true. However, I'm NOT taking the blame for those Salem witch trials. That had nothing to do with me. We've got a lot of witches up here, and most of them are OK. They're always running for elective office; two-thirds of the Heavenly Council is composed of witches."
"Time to go. I'm taking a guitar class with Jimi Hendrix, and if you're late he won't let you in the door. By the way, the Council is considering making 'Purple Haze' the Official Song of the Heavenly Afterlife. What do you think? Ciao! -- Big G"
posted by Mike | 8:44 PM
2 Comments:
WOW, Mike!!! I am impressed as all get out! The Almighty must love to Grin!
But now on to the real important question... Why is it that God loves the NY Yankees so much more than all the other teams?
(Sorry..had to ask...you know... OPENING DAY)
In Defense of Witches
Or you're giving a bad name to pagans when....
You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad bit.
You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.
You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire, faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.
You've ever publically claimed to be the reincarnation of Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone took you seriously.
You own a ceremonial bong.
You've ever tried something you saw on Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.
You've ever had to go along with someone's ludicrous story because it was twice as likely to be true than most of the crap you spout.
You expect your employer to exempt you from the random drug testing because of your religion.
You claim to be a descendant of one of the original Salem Witches.
Someone once lost their boat delivering your ritual incense from Mexico.
You request Samhain, Beltaine, and Yule off and then bitch about working Christmas.
The thing that drew you to the Craft was the potential to dance with naked members of the opposite sex.
You think it's your Pagan Duty to support the IRA, not because of any political beliefs you might share, but because, damnit, they're IRISH.
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