GOD WRITES
Yesterday, "Ask Mr. Grin" received its most provocative question yet, from Toby L. (age 14) in Port St. Lucy, Florida. Toby writes, "There are so many religions out there, Mr. Grin. Which one does God belong to?"
Well, Toby, rather than try to answer that one on my own, I e-mailed your question directly to the Almighty (SupremeBeing@MasterOfTheUniverse.org). Here's the response I received:
"Dear Mr. Grin. I don't think it's fair for me to officially endorse any religion. Let people have their fun. Of course, over the years I've had my favorites. For centuries I was a big fan of the Catholic Church, until they totally mismanaged the Galileo affair in 1632. I was really embarrassed for them. And what's the deal with this papal infallibility scam? Hell, how could the Pope be infallible when I'M not? Do you have any idea how many things I've screwed up over the millennia? Doesn't anybody remember the 1958 Washington Senators? Or the 2006 New York Knicks? But I'll admit I'm a sucker for those cathedrals they built in the Middle Ages. Wow. I still drop into Notre Dame now and then, late at night. Great atmosphere. You can actually get some work done there. I'm writing you from the main altar right now."
"I also get a kick out of Judaism. An irresistible combination of lots of smart people and a healthy dose of wacky ideas. Please tell them that it's OK to eat a ham sandwich or a BLT every once in a while. To be honest, as long as people aren't eating other people, I don't care very much about what folks eat. That's their business. I'm serious. It really doesn't matter to me. I can't believe that they think I have time to worry about stuff like that."
"Islam? I feel bad for them these days. A few nut jobs ruin it for everybody. Do me a favor and let everyone know that there are NO hot virgins waiting in heaven for clowns who blow themselves up in public places. What actually happens when they arrive here is that we put their body parts in shoeboxes, label them, and then ship everything off to our Central Hell storage facility -- for ETERNITY! And get this: we provide the bomb VICTIMS with world-class (actually, heavenly class) medical care, and THEY end up being the ones who frolic with the virgins and Chippendale dancers. What a hoot!"
"As far as Buddhism goes, I hung out with some of those guys in the 60s. A very sweet bunch, good-hearted to a fault. But they spend FAR too much time mulling over the nature of existence. That's my job, not theirs, and quite frankly, I'm a lot better at it than they are. And it's NOT a full-time job, even for me. I spend, at most, maybe two or three hours a day ruminating about that stuff. Tell my Buddha buddies to go out to a ball game or take up white-water rafting or SOMETHING. I didn't go to all the trouble of creating humanity just to have people sitting around practicing their breathing. Practice is not necessary. I designed the lungs to take care of that."
"Hey, I need to go. A couple of Jehovah's Witnesses are trying to convert the new arrivals coming in at the South Entrance, and it looks like a fistfight has broken out. You gotta love the Jehovah crowd; they NEVER give up. And every once in a while they hit paydirt. You know that Pope who arrived here a while back? Well, he's one of them now. I swear, you can't make this stuff up! -- Ciao, God"
Yesterday, "Ask Mr. Grin" received its most provocative question yet, from Toby L. (age 14) in Port St. Lucy, Florida. Toby writes, "There are so many religions out there, Mr. Grin. Which one does God belong to?"
Well, Toby, rather than try to answer that one on my own, I e-mailed your question directly to the Almighty (SupremeBeing@MasterOfTheUniverse.org). Here's the response I received:
"Dear Mr. Grin. I don't think it's fair for me to officially endorse any religion. Let people have their fun. Of course, over the years I've had my favorites. For centuries I was a big fan of the Catholic Church, until they totally mismanaged the Galileo affair in 1632. I was really embarrassed for them. And what's the deal with this papal infallibility scam? Hell, how could the Pope be infallible when I'M not? Do you have any idea how many things I've screwed up over the millennia? Doesn't anybody remember the 1958 Washington Senators? Or the 2006 New York Knicks? But I'll admit I'm a sucker for those cathedrals they built in the Middle Ages. Wow. I still drop into Notre Dame now and then, late at night. Great atmosphere. You can actually get some work done there. I'm writing you from the main altar right now."
"I also get a kick out of Judaism. An irresistible combination of lots of smart people and a healthy dose of wacky ideas. Please tell them that it's OK to eat a ham sandwich or a BLT every once in a while. To be honest, as long as people aren't eating other people, I don't care very much about what folks eat. That's their business. I'm serious. It really doesn't matter to me. I can't believe that they think I have time to worry about stuff like that."
"Islam? I feel bad for them these days. A few nut jobs ruin it for everybody. Do me a favor and let everyone know that there are NO hot virgins waiting in heaven for clowns who blow themselves up in public places. What actually happens when they arrive here is that we put their body parts in shoeboxes, label them, and then ship everything off to our Central Hell storage facility -- for ETERNITY! And get this: we provide the bomb VICTIMS with world-class (actually, heavenly class) medical care, and THEY end up being the ones who frolic with the virgins and Chippendale dancers. What a hoot!"
"As far as Buddhism goes, I hung out with some of those guys in the 60s. A very sweet bunch, good-hearted to a fault. But they spend FAR too much time mulling over the nature of existence. That's my job, not theirs, and quite frankly, I'm a lot better at it than they are. And it's NOT a full-time job, even for me. I spend, at most, maybe two or three hours a day ruminating about that stuff. Tell my Buddha buddies to go out to a ball game or take up white-water rafting or SOMETHING. I didn't go to all the trouble of creating humanity just to have people sitting around practicing their breathing. Practice is not necessary. I designed the lungs to take care of that."
"Hey, I need to go. A couple of Jehovah's Witnesses are trying to convert the new arrivals coming in at the South Entrance, and it looks like a fistfight has broken out. You gotta love the Jehovah crowd; they NEVER give up. And every once in a while they hit paydirt. You know that Pope who arrived here a while back? Well, he's one of them now. I swear, you can't make this stuff up! -- Ciao, God"
posted by Mike | 5:10 PM
1 Comments:
It seems Mike Grin and Pat Robinson are the only ones with a direct line to the Creator!!
My e-mail keeps getting returned!! I wonder if my suggestions about purgatory were not well recieved???
Oh well, since she is not taking my e-mails I wonder if you could ask the Almighty how she feels about the Wickans, the agnostics and the athiests. Thanks!
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