CONDIMENTS

That's right, "condiments." Not "condom-mints," which I'll be discussing in a few weeks, when the topic will be "Has the Low-Carb Craze Gone Too Far?"

Today, our focus is on ketchup.

At dinner the other night I was squeezing a bottle of ketchup when I noticed that the label said, "TOMATO KETCHUP -- Extra Fancy."

I stared at the glob of red stuff on my plate. It didn't look the least bit fancy to me. And it certainly didn't appear to be "extra" fancy.

I removed my glasses and positioned my right eyeball as close to the plate as I could without actually getting ketchup on my cornea. Still, I didn't see anything that warranted the phrase "extra fancy."

Maybe the answer was in the ingredients. I put my glasses back on and read the label: "water, tomato paste, high fructose corn syrup, corn syrup, vinegar, salt, onion powder, spice, natural flavors."

Aha! "Natural flavors." The answer had to be there. But what might be "extra fancy" about those natural flavors? Fortunately, there was an 800 number on the label that I could call "for product questions or concerns."

So I called the number. A very pleasant woman answered. I asked her about what made the ketchup extra fancy. "It's in the natural flavors," she responded. (I knew it! I just knew that had to be it!) "Our Extra Fancy brand contains 15 grams of uncut Cambodian cocaine. It rocks! Our Fancy brand contains 5 grams, and we make our regular brand by simply hitting a beefsteak tomato with a hammer. And by the way, our Extra Fancy brand is formulated to be snorted, not taken orally."

"Natural flavors." I'll never take them for granted again.