Grin

2010-06-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

NOW I FINALLY UNDERSTAND HER

The recent announcement that genetic engineers have generated a living organism using synthetic DNA sequencing has been ridiculed as "old news" by scientists at Rice University. According to Dr. Grayson Sackmire, Professor of Biochemistry, "over 20 years ago we created Lady GaGa in one of our laboratories out of discarded Handi-Wipes and a bird cage, and she's still going strong."

2010-05-09T10:18:00.000-07:00

GREECE + GREASE: A RECIPE FOR RECOVERY?

John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John announced on Saturday that they will present a benefit performance of Grease at the Parthenon in Athens in June, with all proceeds being donated to the financially strapped Greek government. "Without Greece there would have been no Grease," Travolta noted. "Our play is drawn directly from the tragedies of William Shakespeare and Eugene O'Neill, two of Greece's greatest playwrights. It is an honor for us to pay tribute to them, and in doing so help the nation that the play was named for."

2010-05-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

WILL VISIBLE THONGS BE NEXT?

On Friday, North Dakota became the 32nd state to legalize exposed brassiere straps on teenage girls. "Too much of our police officers' time was being taken up with enforcing existing anti-skank ordinances," claimed Governor Wendell Turner. "In addition, enforcement efforts often resulted in male officers having sex with the offenders, which is an abuse of power if I've ever seen one."

2010-04-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

NEBRASKA JETTISONS OLD SPARKY FOR NFL DRAFT FOOTAGE

On the basis of a recommendation from its state medical association, Nebraska will replace the electric chair with videos of the annual National Football League draft as a means of delivering capital punishment to death row prisoners, beginning in 2011. "It's a much more humane procedure," Dr. Quentin Thornberry of the Department of Corrections announced at a press conference on Sunday. "In some cases it can take an electric chair up to 7 minutes to completely fry an inmate, especially if he or she weighs more than 200 pounds. On the other hand, watching the NFL draft typically causes brain death within 45 seconds, especially if it's the Oakland Raiders' turn to make a pick. We've all noticed that fans who follow the draft religiously every year appear just a little bit 'slow' in everyday conversation."

2010-04-23T21:51:00.000-07:00

WILL THE LAST PERSON LEAVING ARIZONA TURN OFF THE LIGHTS?

On Friday, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer signed legislation that makes it a crime under state law to be in the country illegally (no joke). Although supporters hailed the move as a bold step in the fight against illegal immigration, demographers warned that the strategy could backfire. According to Professor Charles F. Tyler at the University of Phoenix, "Nearly 83% of Arizona's legal residents hate living in this giant sand trap; most of them have moved to Alabama in the past three years. If we toss out the illegals, the only people left in our state will be prison inmates and abandoned infants. Do we really want to do this?"

2010-04-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

AND SHE'S GOING TO TURN HER DIAPHRAGM INTO A MOUSE TRAMPOLINE

Sharon Osbourne is planning to have her breast implants removed this summer and will give them to her husband, Ozzy Osbourne, to use as a paperweight (no joke).

2010-04-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

REYKJAVIK, YOUR TIME HAS COME

The recent volcanic eruption in Iceland has resulted in many Europeans becoming aware of the country's existence for the first time. The reaction of Pierre Foiseaux, a Parisian baker, is typical: "I had always thought Iceland was a small theme park in Norway. Now I find out that they've got their own capital and everything. Mon dieu!"

2010-04-03T21:12:00.000-07:00

"I WAS INSPIRED BY RICKY MARTIN," TIGER PROCLAIMS

Tiger Woods will announce that he's a heterosexual at a Monday press conference prior to the start of the Masters Golf Tournament. "Tiger is tired of all the rumors about his sex life," his agent commented in a Saturday interview with ESPN Radio. "He wants the world to know that he's attracted to women, and that he's learned to live with it."

2010-04-01T20:49:00.000-07:00

THAT'S LIKE, AMAZING

Anthropologists have discovered a tribe of teenagers in Bayonne, New Jersey whose spoken language consists entirely of the word "like." Over 2500 different inflections are used to convey distinct messages. "It's incredible," claims Princeton professor Scott Bayzen. "These kids are able to communicate complex, nuanced concepts with just one word. Of course there's a down side as well." Bayzen was referring to a recent incident in which one male tribe member tried to start a splinter group organized around the word "awesome." His body was recently discovered by a homeless man in a Newark landfill.

2010-03-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

REPUBLICANS PROCLAIM: "WE HAVE NO SHAME"

In a statement on Saturday that surprised virtually no one, House Minority Leader John Boehner announced that "there is nothing Republicans won't do, and there is nothing we won't say, in the name of sabotaging the Presidency of Barack Obama." When asked by reporters to elaborate, Boehner noted that on Friday he had seen Nancy Pelosi having unprotected sex with Lil' Wayne in the doorway of a crack house in Newark. "And believe me, she was enjoying herself immensely, screaming the Virgin Mary's name like a rutting hyena." Boehner went on to explain why current Republicans are so opposed to Obama. "He stands for everything we despise: civility, data-based conversation, debate informed by logic, respect for the intelligence of the American people, and an obsession with acting 'sane,' whatever the F--K that means. He disgusts me. I think I'm going to puke now."

2010-03-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

MASTERS TOURNAMENT GRAPPLES WITH DOUBLE-ENTENDRES

With Tiger Woods returning to the Masters golf tournament in April, CBS is taking special precautions to avoid awkward moments in its broadcast of the event. Thus, commentators have been instructed not to use any of the following terms when describing the action: ball, hole, shaft, stroke, and penis. "It's going to be tough, but we're professionals. We can do this," said veteran sportscaster Jim Nance.

2010-03-14T15:38:00.000-07:00

U.S. BLACKS FINALLY SET FOOT ON THE MOUNTAIN TOP

The centuries-long, arduous journey of African-Americans to freedom and equality in the United States reached its destination last week, when The Danbury Mint announced The Michelle Obama Inaugural Doll is now available for only $149 plus $9 shipping and handling (no joke). "This doll is smokin' hot," claims Mint representative Jerrold Martin in a letter to potential purchasers. The letter also indicates that, out of respect for the First Lady, the Mint will cease production of its Strom Thurmond Action Figure by May 1st. "Strom been our best-selling Caucasian item for the past 25 years," Martin noted in a press conference, "but times change, and the Mint must change with them."

2010-03-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

MISSISSIPPI LESBIAN LOSES TO SHEEP

In Itawamba County, Mississipi, the school board has canceled a high school senior prom rather than allow lesbian student Constance McMillen to wear a tuxedo and take her girlfriend to the dance (no joke). This decision contrasts sharply with its ruling of a year ago, when Gideon "Skeeter" Waxknuckle was allowed to take a sheep to the dance as his date. In defense of the latter decision, board chairman Floyd Nason noted that the sheep in question was a ewe, not a ram. "And a damn fine lookin' one at that," Nason chuckled.

2010-03-07T15:20:00.000-08:00

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, MR. PENN

In an interview that aired on the CBS program "Sunday Morning," Sean Penn said he hopes that critics of his efforts to assist Haiti "die screaming of rectal cancer" (no joke). In a statement released later in the day by God, the Supreme Being indicated that He very rarely grants such requests. "Killing people on demand is a very risky business. And when I do, I almost never use a disease. I prefer single-vehicle car crashes. By the way, I no longer respond to prayers to save lives either. The last time I saved someone was in 1898, when a nice little German woman named Klara Hitler begged me to help her 9-year-old son Adolph recover from the flu. I still lose sleep over that one."

2010-03-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

SUICIDE BOMBING SCHEDULE ANNOUNCED FOR 2010

The International Terrorists' Association (ITA) announced Wednesday that spring training for the 2010 Suicide-Bombing season will commence on March 15th. This training period has traditionally been used to test new explosives on innocent civilians. The schedule is as follows:

IRAQ DIVISION

Week of March 15: Tekrit; most likely on a bus: Exploding hair gel

Week of March 22: Basra; open-air market: Shrapnel-laced Peanut M&M dynamite vest

AFGHANISTAN DIVISION

Week of March 29: Kabul; random street corner: Belly-button-based SCUD missile

Week of April 5: Kandahar; wedding reception: Skull-cap-launched chain saw

Discount season tickets are available for those who wish to attend all four bombings. Note: The Kandahar event is "Family Day." For prices and more details, go to Twitter.

2010-03-02T18:24:00.000-08:00

MITT TAKES A HIT FOR THE U. S. OF A

In his new book, Mitt Romney says that Barack Obama's efforts as President to reconcile with foreign powers, Muslims, and others have weakened the United States' stature instead of enhancing it (no joke). Speaking with reporters on Tuesday, Romney complained that when he was recently in a Paris airport, an elderly woman encouraged her poodle to urinate on his shoes. "Prior to Obama's election, that dog never would have complied, but this time he did. And then my 8-year-old grandson, who was with me, did the same thing!"

2010-02-26T20:52:00.000-08:00

A SEXIST DOUBLE STANDARD IN VANCOUVER?

The Canadian women's hockey team has been harshly criticized for drinking alcohol and smoking cigars at center ice after their gold medal victory over the United States on Thursday night (no joke). When International Olympics Committee spokesman Mark Adams was asked why the Bulgarian men's bobsled team was not officially reprimanded after three of its members had sex with a caribou and free-based cocaine in front of women and children at the Vancouver Zoo on Friday, he pointed out that having sex with caribou is not illegal in Canada, and also noted that the Bulgarians had not won a medal.

2010-02-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

DEMOCRATS SHIFT FOCUS, PREDICT VICTORY

In a press conference on Saturday afternoon, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and his House counterpart, Nancy Pelosi, announced that "health care reform is just too darned hard" and that they were giving up. Reid said that "we are going to refocus our efforts on getting speed bumps installed in the parking lot of a Veterans Administration hospital in Topeka, Kansas. That's something we might actually be able to accomplish."

Republican Senators and Representatives pledged to fight the speed-bump initiative "until we breathe our last breath."

2010-02-14T07:54:00.000-08:00

TUNA FISH AND SUPERMARKET JUSTICE

Last week at my local grocery store (Stop & Shop) there was a sign above the canned albacore tuna that said, "10 for $10." Always eager for a bargain, I scooped up a bunch of cans and put them in my cart. When I arrived at check-out, I noticed that I only had 8 cans. I informed the cashier that I was going to scurry back to the tuna aisle to get two more cans so I could get my discount. She informed me in a friendly voice, "You don't need to do that unless you really want 10 cans. Each can is $1 this week, no matter how many you buy."

When I am king, the sign will say, "$1 per can," and the current marketing director at Stop & Shop will be executed.

2010-02-10T05:46:00.000-08:00

HAITIAN CURSE HITS DC

The Reverend Pat Robertson revealed this morning that the Haitian community residing in Washington, DC is responsible for the two punishing snowstorms that have battered the area within the past week. "Wherever they go, the pact with the devil the Haitians made many years ago comes back to haunt them," Robertson proclaimed. "God help us if they ever visit Disney World."

2010-02-07T08:51:00.000-08:00

JESSICA ALBA TELLS IT LIKE IT IS

In responding with distress to reports that a Chinese woman is having plastic surgery to make herself look more like Jessica Alba, Ms. Alba indicated that looks aren't all that important (no joke). In related comments, she asserted that "down is up" and that pandas give birth to pickles.

2010-02-04T20:45:00.000-08:00

IT PROBABLY SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME

Self-help guru James Arthur Ray says it was all a tragic accident when his followers began collapsing one by one in a sweat lodge at his retreat, with three of them dying (no joke). Autopsies of the deceased indicate that their deaths were caused by the "massive amount of stupidity that motivated them to enter the sweat lodge in the first place," according to County Coroner Lenwood Tossler. "It's rare to see so much brainlessness concentrated in such a small space," Tossler commented. "They never had a chance."

2010-01-31T12:18:00.000-08:00

TOYOTA RECALLS EVERYTHING

"If you have purchased anything from us in the past decade, please bring it back for a full refund," Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda announced Sunday at a hastily called news conference in Tokyo. "As they like to say in the United States, 'We have screwed up big time'. Yesterday I was about to get into my Camry to drive to work when the car took off without me, accelerating to 70 mph before it hit a man selling sushi from a cart at the end of my street. Very bad. Very, very bad. Now HE looks like sushi. Very bad. Very, very bad."

2010-01-25T20:53:00.000-08:00

ROBERTSON VS. HAITI, ROUND 2

The Reverend Pat Robertson revealed today that most forms of cancer are caused by the pact that Haitians made with Satan over a century ago. "It's amazing how much human suffering these people are responsible for," Robertson observed. "And don't even get me started on how they've TOTALLY screwed the Chicago Cubs over the past 90 years."

2010-01-15T20:37:00.000-08:00

MORMONS, CHRIS ROCK FIND COMMON GROUND

The largely white Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints reached out to the black community recently when it sponsored a concert performance by Chris Rock at its annual Gathering of the Faithful in Salt Lake City on Thursday. As a gesture of good will, Rock agreed to remove all expletives from his monologue, including F**K, S**T, B***H, D***K, and of course, M*****F****R. As a result, "An Evening with Chris Rock" lasted approximately 7 minutes.

2010-01-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

TERRORIST'S TESTICLES DISRUPT HEARING, DEMAND SEPARATE TRIAL

In a startling development at the arraignment of Nigerian terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab on Friday, his genitals demanded that they be tried separately from their owner. "We didn't do anything wrong," Abulmutallab's testicles screamed at the hearing. "We were just minding our own business, hanging around in his underwear, when this madman starts shoving a bunch of chemical crap into his briefs right next to us. The next thing we know, there's a rumble going on and we're rolling around on the floor of the cabin like a pair of dice on a casino table. We had no plans to hurt anybody. Hell, we just wanted to land in Detroit and get laid."

2010-01-06T18:12:00.000-08:00

FIRST LADY, NRA ON THE SAME PAGE......ALMOST

"Get thee to a spelling bee" was the sentiment of many rank-and-file members of the National Rifle Association on Wednesday, when NRA President Ronald Schmeits said that Michelle Obama had committed herself unequivocally to the "right to bear arms" in a recent speech. However, what the First Lady had actually committed herself to in an address to the International Fashion Designers Council in Paris was the "right to bare arms." In response, Mr. Schmeits claimed that words that sound alike should mean the same thing.

2010-01-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

HOMELAND SECURITY FUMBLES THE BALL BIG TIME ON NORTHWEST FLIGHT

As questions continue to be asked concerning the multiple red flags that government officials overlooked preceding Nigerian terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallub's flight to Detroit, the most damning piece of evidence emerged on Thursday. According to sources within the Department of Homeland Security, Abdulmutallub told a custodian in a restroom at the Schiphol Airport in Amsterdam that he planned to blow up the Northwest aircraft he was boarding on Christmas day. Immediately after leaving the restroom, the custodian called Homeland Security, and was told that he would need to provide them with the flight number before they could pursue the matter. The custodian promised to call back during his break with the requested information, but forgot.

2009-12-29T16:28:00.000-08:00

TENSION ON FLIGHTS TO BE ALLEVIATED BY LATEST TSA ACTION

Recently installed security procedures resulting from the terrorist incident on a Northwest Airlines flight have been relaxed, government officials report. At the captain's discretion, passengers can once again place blankets on their laps (no joke). Sources close to the Obama administration reveal that intense lobbying by the National Masturbation Coalition played a major role in the decision to ease restrictions.

2009-12-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

COULD THE TALIBAN SAVE SAAB?

The Taliban will soon be using Saabs for all of their suicide car bombings, according to sources located deep within the organization. Officials at General Motors could neither confirm nor deny the rumor, but admitted that such an arrangement could save the Saab brand. "We've been hemorrhaging money over the past few years with Saab, " GM spokesman Wendell Tek acknowledged, "and car bombings are a growth industry. We would be fools not to investigate an offer like this. And let's face it, many Saabs blow up on their own anyway. Why not leverage our manufacturing defects into some profits for our shareholders? Those poor people have been to hell and back with us."

2009-12-18T22:08:00.000-08:00

RELIGION OF THE YEAR ANNOUNCED; FANS OF MILK CHOCOLATE THRILLED

Buttercupianism has been named Religion of the Year for 2009 by God the Father, the Associated Press reported yesterday. Founded in Idaho in 1988 by retired fly fisherman Dexter Clayborne, the main tenet of Buttercupianism is that Reese's Peanut Butter Cups channel the life force of the Supreme Being. Clayborne's followers reject the notion, dominant in Catholicism, that communion wafers contain the body of Christ. "That's just crazy talk," Clayborne claimed in a recent interview.

2009-12-15T21:13:00.000-08:00

ORAL AND ANAL TO BE REUNITED IN A DORITOS AFTERLIFE

TV evangelist Oral Roberts died Tuesday at the age of 91 (no joke). His brother, Anal, passed away three years ago and is resting comfortably in CrazyLand, a section of Hell reserved for those possessed by the fire-breathing spirit of a vengeful Lord drunk on peyote corn chips.

2009-12-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

TODD SAYS IT WAS WORTH IT

Cosmopolitan magazine vows to fight a lawsuit filed against the sex-drenched publication on Tuesday by Hazel Bixby, a Minneapolis mother of three who claims that her daughter Arletta exploded as a result of an article that appeared in Cosmo's current issue. According to Bixby, "Arletta and her boyfriend Todd were engaging in the 'Hot Sex' technique called the Bangladesh Mai Tai High Thigh when the intensity of my daughter's climax caused her pelvic region to erupt in a flaming inferno. The bedroom of the apartment was incinerated, and Todd received 2nd-degree burns." Attorneys for the magazine admit that the technique could have indeed caused such a conflagration, but assert there is no evidence indicating that Arletta ever read the article in question.

2009-12-04T19:43:00.000-08:00

JUST TO BE SAFE, DON'T BUY THE LEMON FLAVOR

In a strongly worded statement issued on Friday, the Nestle Waters Company of North America unequivocally denied allegations that its signature product, Poland Spring Natural Spring Water, is a mixture of cat urine and ammonia. Fox News had broadcast the accusation on Thursday morning in an interview with "Bobcat Billy," a homeless man temporarily residing in a laundromat dryer in Topeka, Kansas.

2009-12-02T20:38:00.000-08:00

VAMPIRE MOVIE GENERATES MEDICAL ALERT

Viewing The Twilight Saga: New Moon could cause brain damage, according to a recent study conducted by scientists at Tulane University. When common field mice were placed in front of a flat-screen TV showing the film, they later displayed clear signs of neurological dysfunction and depression. Lead researcher Winston Claxton noted that 40% of the mice tried to commit suicide by hanging themselves from the light fixtures in their cages, using their own chewed-off tails as nooses. "I've never seen anything quite like it," Claxton exclaimed. "The effort involved in fashioning a workable noose out of a mouse tail is considerable, especially given that mouse paws are not designed to tie knots. These little critters must have really been motivated to kill themselves." Several of the deceased mice left suicide notes, focusing on how totally lame the film was. As one of the rodents put it, "This was the worst f**king movie I've ever seen, and that includes Rambo. I've pooped pellets that can out-act the dipshits in this turdfest."

2009-11-25T18:41:00.000-08:00

SUICIDE BOMBING NOT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE, STUDY FINDS

Only 14% of suicide bombers go to heaven, according to a study recently completed by the International Academy of Afterlife Science (IAAS). The vast majority, 81%, end up in the deepest recesses of hell, where they burn and blister for all eternity. "Most of these folks spent their entire day screaming," reports Charles Rangeworth, Ph.D., a Princeton theologian who directed the research. "It's pretty grim." The fate of the remaining 5% of the bombers is unaccounted for, "but our preliminary data indicate that they may be reincarnated as sea sponges," Rangeworth reports.

2009-11-22T07:00:00.000-08:00

BELICHICK'S DISEASE THROWS YALE COACH FOR A LOSS

Physicians at Yale-New Haven Hospital are optimistic that Yale football coach Tom Williams will recover fully from a serious of Belichick's Disease. In the closing minutes of the annual Harvard-Yale game on Saturday, with Yale leading 10-7, Williams called for a fake punt on 4th and 22 with the ball on Yale's 25-yard line. The play failed, and Harvard proceeded to march down the short field and score, winning the game 14-10. Belichick's Disease, which causes coaches to make mind-numbingly stupid decisions, is highly contagious. Doctors suspect that Williams contracted the illness earlier in the week, when he shook hands with New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick during an interview show at ESPN studios in Connecticut. According to Williams, "After we shook hands I rubbed my right eye because it was itchy, and that's probably how I got the infection. Within two hours I was feeling incredibly dumb. Later that night, I tried to take a shower with my clothes on, because I thought I could do it quickly enough so they wouldn't get wet. The bottom line is that I should not have coached on Saturday. I apologize to my players and to Yale alumni everywhere."

2009-11-17T20:40:00.000-08:00

RESEARCHERS SUSPECT THAT THE KING OF POP ACCOUNTED FOR OVER 80% OF THE COLLECTIVE IQ OF THE JACKSON SIX

Michael Jackson's brothers -- Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Randy, and Jackie -- will appear in a reality series debuting on the A&E network in December (no joke). The first episode, entitled "Tito, Explain to Me Why Anyone Would be Dumb Enough to Watch This?" will focus on the reaction of the Jackson parents when they learn of the brothers' plan to film a reality series.

2009-11-08T16:39:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU AWARE......

......that there is a National Genital Integrity Awareness Week? No joke. Go ahead and Google the phrase and see what happens.

It 7:40 pm on Sunday night. Do you know where YOUR private parts are?

2009-10-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

CDC DISCOVERS LOST VACCINE; PANDEMIC FEAR QUELLED

The Centers for Disease Control announced on Saturday that there is more than enough Swine Flu vaccine for the entire American population, and it's available immediately. According to CDC spokeswoman Sharon Stanton, "Approximately 389 million doses of the H1-N1 vaccine in our Topeka, Kansas warehouse had been mislabeled by a dyslexic clerk as N1-H1 vaccine. Everything's fine now. Sorry."

2009-10-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

AFGHAN TERRORISTS FACE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

Taliban leaders held an emergency meeting in Kabul on Tuesday in a frantic effort to remember what they're so pissed off about. "We know we hate everybody, especially women, but for the life of us we can't recall why," lamented Kefezzi al-Gnocchi, a spokesman for the group. "We realized that we needed such a meeting when, just before he detonated himself in a crowded marketplace on Monday, one of our most dedicated 14-year-old suicide bombers asked if he could just go to high school instead and get laid."

2009-10-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

BOMBATHON '09 PROMISES TO BE BEST EVER

Over 3500 suicide bombers from Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan will gather in Kabul in November for Bombathon '09, a two-day explosion fest to benefit widows and children of suicide bombers who will blow themselves up at Bombathon '09. "I hope to have many good people sponsor me," said Al-Bara del Monte, a soft-spoken 24-year-old father of three from Islamabad. "For every $100 you pledge, I will add two sticks of dynamite to my Boom-Boom Vest. I want my wife and children to be well taken of. I am going to detonate myself in an empty parking lot, so no one will be hurt except me. I represent a new generation of suicide bombers. We are not evil; we are just really, really stupid."

2009-10-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

NARA HONORS GLENN BECK

NARA, the National Association for the Recognition of A**holes, has awarded FOX Network commentator Glenn Beck its 2009 Man of the Year Award. "Mr. Beck is richly deserving of this honor," announced NARA spokesman Gretchen Kaufman. "He thinks like an a**hole, he talks like an a**hole, and he has that sphincter-like physical appearance that only a true a**hole can achieve. The vote of the Governing Board was unanimous, and there's no reason to believe that Mr. Beck won't be voted our Man of the Year again in 2010. He is, quite simply, the quintessential a**hole."

2009-10-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

The Brussels-based International Association of Humor, the governing body for satirists world-wide, has invoked its "Shooting Fish in a Barrel" rule, declaring a moratorium on all jokes referencing David Letterman for a period not to last beyond October 12th. As Chief Editor of Grin, I plan to abide by this directive.

2009-10-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

WHO GIVES A FLYIN' PUCK?

The Washington Capitals defeated the Boston Bruins on Thursday night as the National Hockey League opened its 2009-2010 season. Rumors that someone actually cared that the NHL season had begun were circulating during the game, but were found to be false.

2009-09-24T20:43:00.000-07:00

BASEBALL DEATH ALONG THE POTOMAC

In England, there is debate over whether it should be a crime to help seriously ill individuals travel to Switzerland, where assisted suicide is legal (no joke). A mirror image of that controversy is playing itself out in Major League Baseball, where it has been argued that no franchise should have the right to trade a player to the wretched Washington Nationals. As one anonymous infielder on the San Diego Padres recently told a reporter, "I'd rather be disemboweled than be sent to that hell-hole of a team."

2009-09-20T06:46:00.000-07:00

OBAMA WILL SHIFT FROM CO-PAYS TO TD'S

Sources close to the Obama administration reveal that the President plans to abandon efforts to achieve comprehensive health care reform during his first term in office, and will focus instead on pressuring the NCAA to establish a playoff system for Division I football, so that an undisputed national champion can be crowned every year. "We want to devote our attention to a task that's actually do-able. That's why we've switched gears," one source commented.

2009-09-11T17:24:00.000-07:00

DID OBAMA CURSE JOE WILSON ON WEDNESDAY?

The White House has not commented on an Associated Press report that a Secret Service microphone attached to the inside pocket of Barack Obama's suit recorded the President muttering "You Suck" under his breath immediately after Congressman Joe Wilson yelled "You Lie" during Obama's address to Congress on Wednesday night. Nancy Pelosi, seated immediately behind the President, said that she was listening to Meat Loaf on her ipod throughout the speech, and thus heard nothing. Vice President Joe Biden, seated next to Pelosi, claimed that he was distracted by a daydream about Kate Winslet during the address, and thus could neither confirm nor deny the AP report. "But just for the record," Biden noted, "Joe Wilson does suck -- and he also bites the big one."

2009-09-07T10:16:00.000-07:00

THE HIDDEN TOLL OF CIGARETTE TAXES

On October 1st the state tax on a pack of cigarettes in Connecticut will rise from $2 to $3 (no joke), and smokers are expressing their outrage. Carla Lassiter, a 34-year-old mother of three, is serving the final month of a 6-year prison sentence at York Correctional Institution for trading her newborn daughter for a carton of Marlboro Lights in 2002. "This totally SUCKS," Lassiter told reporters at a news conference on Saturday. "Here I am, about to get out of this pit, and they pass a law that guarantees I'll be back within a year. I ain't got no job, I've gotta smoke, and all I have left to trade is my son Travis, who was born last year here in the joint after I got knocked up in the laundry room by some prison guard who gave me a fake name and said he'd get me on American Idol. I sound just like Tammy Wynette, I swear. Now I'm screwed. I don't deserve this!"

2009-09-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

HE WHO LIVES BY THE INTERNET, GOES TO HELL BY THE INTERNET

My alma mater, Boston College, maintains an online prayer request service for alumni, who email their intentions to BC's chapel, where they are then conveyed to God (no joke). This service worked exceedingly well until last week, when the BC server crashed and approximately 1400 requests were not delivered. College officials estimate that over 75 souls were not saved as a result of the mishap, including those of 17 dogs, 6 cats, and 1 parrot named "Cheeto."

2009-08-29T09:32:00.000-07:00

DECISION BY GOD EXPECTED TO INCREASE BOWLING, MINIATURE GOLF REVENUE

The Supreme Being plans to remove all pleasure from the human sexual act by the end of 2011, according to informed sources. In the words of one unnamed archangel, "The spate of recent sexual scandals involving prominent politicians, as well as all the controversy over gay marriage, has caused God to throw up His hands and say, 'ENOUGH.' Sex is just not worth all the trouble it causes." Beginning in 2012, engaging in intercourse or its variants will be about as pleasurable as brushing one's teeth. This decision is widely seen as victory for Catholic lobbyists, who for centuries have claimed that the only justification for sexual relations is reproduction. Manufacturers of products for erectile dysfunction are expected to be especially hard hit by the elimination of sexual enjoyment. "Thousands of jobs are at stake," laments Pfizer CEO Charles "Corky" Thompson. "It's just not fair. No guy's going to pay a lot of money to load his gun if it's no fun to shoot it."

2009-08-24T21:14:00.000-07:00

VENEZUELA IN, URANUS OUT

Miss Venezuela has won the 2009 Miss Universe crown for the 2nd year in a row and the 6th time since the pageant's creation (no joke). Immediately following the competition, Miss Uranus, who finished dead last for the 14th consecutive year, announced that her planet would no longer participate in the pageant. "It's just not fair," Wendy Tpxztl claimed. "Every year we send the most beautiful anus on our planet to Earth, at great expense to all Ur-anuses. And every year we are humiliated and subjected to cruel jokes by the other contestants and judges. Quite frankly, we've had enough."

2009-08-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

WAL-MART TAKES A STAND: USE YOUR OWN BAT, DAMMIT!

In New Haven on Tuesday, a Wal-Mart employee who had been reprimanded for poor performance grabbed a baseball bat and repeatedly hit an assistant manager, injuring him seriously (no joke). According to the store's general manager, Fred Stimson, it is likely that the employee's actions will have a negative impact on his next performance appraisal. "His overall rating is probably going to drop from 'Needs Improvement' to 'Poor'. It's one thing to spit at your supervisor, or even urinate on him, but it's something else entirely to assault your boss in a way that could render the item that was used as a weapon unsuitable for sale. Such behavior is unacceptable."

2009-08-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

FAILURE TO NUKE BEANTOWN SOURED BUSH-CHENEY FRIENDSHIP

Dick Cheney believes President George W. Bush gradually turned away from his advice during their second term in the White House (no joke). When asked by reporters to comment, Bush said that Cheney's assertion was correct. "In early 2005 Dick urged me to stage a surprise nuclear attack on Boston, which he claimed was home to more liberals and homosexuals than any other city on the East Coast. I declined. Boston is also the home of an American League Baseball franchise, and as a former owner of the Texas Rangers, I just couldn't do it. Fenway Park is a jewel, and we could never figure out a way to incinerate Kenmore Square while sparing Fenway. In any event, Dick then recommended that I start wearing Victoria's Secret panties because I was a 'girly man'. Our relationship was never the same after that."

2009-08-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

THE SANFORDS: A COUNTRY'S CHARM, A WIFE'S DEVOTION

The wife of South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford moved out of the official governor's residence on Friday (no joke). "I will be relocating to Argentina," Jenny Sanford told a group of reporters. "Mark assures me that the only reason he's been playing "poke the possum" with his skank mistress is that he has fallen in love with Argentina. He says that it's an absolutely beautiful country, and he can't resist it. That's why he keeps going back. If I get an apartment there, he promises to stay with me rather than with Ms. Cootie Pants when he travels to South America. I really do think we can rebuild our relationship."

2009-08-05T21:02:00.000-07:00

CLUNKERS PROGRAM RE-IGNITES ABORTION DEBATE

The Federal government's Cash For Clunkers program requires car dealerships to destroy the engine of the trade-in vehicle (no joke). On Wednesday, thousands of Pro-Life demonstrators stormed the Capitol Building in Washington, DC to protest this provision. "Taking the life of an automobile engine that can still run is no different than smothering a kitten with a pillow," screamed Gretchen Matthewson, a 24-year-old mother of 8 from Scratch-n-Sniff, Oklahoma, as she was dragged away by police. "Today it's your Chevy Blazer. Tomorrow it could be your Grandma Tess, just because she's old." When Ms. Matthewson was reminded that she had in fact shot her Grandma Tess with a hunting rifle for exactly that reason, she quickly responded, "That was my decision, you f@#$%^king communist, not the government's."

2009-08-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

FIRST DAVID ORTIZ, NOW JESUS CHRIST?

On the heels of news that beloved Boston Red Sox slugger David "Big Papi" Ortiz tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003, the Washington Post reported today that Jesus Christ's resurrection from the dead over 2000 years ago was almost certainly aided by steroids. "All the evidence points to the conclusion that Jesus was a major steroid user," according to Dr. Stanley K. Fenton, Professor of Religious Studies and Pharmacology at Union Theological Seminary. "Paintings of Jesus as a young man depict an individual of slender build with thin arms. However, renderings of the furious Christ evicting money-changers from the temple clearly show Him with well-developed biceps glistening like varnished battleship cables. This is about the time when we suspect that he began taking steroids, and the temple incident was probably his first episode of 'roid rage."

The Vatican declined to comment, except to note that steroids were not illegal during Christ's stay on earth. "All of His records will stay intact," asserted Papal record-keeper Cardinal Giuseppe Abondanza.

2009-07-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

GATES-CROWLEY SUMMIT THREATENED BY BEER BIAS

Plans for the beer-drinking date involving President Barack Obama, Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates, and Cambridge police sergeant James Crowley are in limbo today, after the brand preferences of Gates and Crowley ignited new charges of racism. Gates reported that his favorite brew is Pabst Blue Ribbon Honky-Ass-Kicking Ale, while Crowley said that he's "always had a taste for Aryan Brothers Malt Liquor. It's clean, it's pure, and its foam is all-white, brother!" The White House indicated that the President will probably choose a neutral brand for all three men to consume. "We're thinking Budweiser," according to an informed source within the Administration. "It tastes like lighter fluid mixed with dog urine, but it's a safe choice race-wise."

2009-07-14T19:42:00.000-07:00

SONIA HITS NOTHING BUT NET

At her Senate confirmation hearing on Tuesday, Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor clarified her controversial 2001 statement about Hispanic wisdom. "I did NOT claim that a wise Latina woman would reach a better conclusion than a white male, " Sotomayor asserted. "What I said was that a dumb-ass Latina 15-year-old could out-think George Bush." Republican Senator Lindsey Graham thanked Sotomayor for the clarification, noting that, "Darlin', you'll get no argument from me."

2009-07-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

OBAMA TO BENEDICT: "IN YOUR FACE!!!"

Vatican sources revealed today that Pope Benedict XVI suffered a separated shoulder when Barack Obama executed a reverse slam-dunk over the hapless Pontiff during a one-on-one basketball game during the President's visit to Rome last week. Benedict finished the game despite the injury, losing 30-4. Cardinal Silvatore Pannini, speaking for the Vatican, noted that while Obama played in gym shorts and a tee shirt, the Pope was dressed in the same bulky vestments he typically wears when celebrating High Mass on Easter Sunday. "The Holy Father had no chance," Pannini observed. "In that outfit he had on, our beloved Benedict was sweating like a 300-pound grandmother laboring over a hot stove on the 10th floor of an un-air-conditioned apartment in Naples. It's a miracle he didn't die."

2009-07-07T20:25:00.000-07:00

SHE WANTS YOU BACK, MICHAEL

Thousands of fans of the King of Pop rioted inside the Staples Center in Los Angeles on Tuesday, when Michael Jackson failed to perform. "I know he's dead," complained 18-year-old Tiffany Barlow as she set fire to her seat cushion, "but I really, REALLY wanted to hear him sing 'Billie Jean'. It's the coolest song ever. I don't see why he couldn't just come back to life like Elvis Presley did." Tiffany will be a freshman at UCLA in the fall, majoring in crystals.

2009-07-05T11:48:00.000-07:00

WALMART CLEARED IN STORE DEATH

Last November a Walmart employee in New York was trampled to death by frenzied shoppers on the day after Thanksgiving (no joke). The results of a six-month investigation of the fatal accident were announced on Saturday, with police detectives concluding that a "Buy-One, Get-One-Free" sale on 75-inch plasma TVs generated a "perfect storm" of customer mania that storeworkers were powerless to control. "It was just one of those things," claimed police spokesman Patrick Tisdale. "It wasn't anybody's fault. How often in life do you get a chance to legally snatch up a free plasma TV? The employee tried to get out of the way, but slipped on an open bag of Gummi Bears that had fallen on the floor. Sometimes, people die and you simply have to shake your head and move on."

2009-06-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

GOD TO STEP DOWN; WHO WILL STEP UP?

God plans to retire in 2011, according to a Newsweek article published on Monday. In a written statement, the Supreme Being, who has served as Ruler of the Universe since the Creation, indicated a desire to spend more time with His family (wife Yolanda, son Crandor, daughter Phlomenton) at their vacation home in the Maldive Islands. Among those mentioned as possible successors to the Almighty One are Mohammed, Joe Torre, Colin Powell, and She-Ra.

2009-06-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

USING THE STREET AS YOUR PERSONAL DUMPSTER IS BIOLOGICALLY DETERMINED, ACCORDING TO STANFORD STUDY

Scientists at the Stanford Genome Laboratory have identified the chromosome responsible for littering behavior in humans. Specifically, a mutated gene on the 17th chromosome, labelled the "Trash Allele" by researchers, causes its carriers to toss fast-food wrappers, cartons, and soda cups out of the open windows of their automobiles. According to team leader Dr. Winston Snyder, this allele combines with several others on adjoining chromosomes 16, 18, and 19 to form the notorious "Asshole Constellation."

2009-06-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

TENTATIVE TITLE: "YES, I AM SATAN"

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has signed a publishing deal for about $2 million to write a memoir of his life in politics (no joke).

2009-06-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

WHY SCANDINAVIANS ARE SUICIDE-PRONE

The journal Current Biology reports a study in which a cockatoo named Snowball headbobbed and stepped to the rhythm of a Backstreet Boys song (no joke). However, when researchers played a tune by Bjork, the bird vomited, collapsed, and died.

2009-06-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

NOTES FROM THE WHITE HOUSE NURSERY

More than half the babies born at Kenya's Kisumu Hospital on the day after Barack Obama's election were named Barack or Michelle (no joke). This is similar to what happened in Crawford, Texas following George W. Bush's election in 2004, when three-quarters of all newborns were christened "Spackle-Head."

2009-06-03T20:44:00.000-07:00

WELL, WE DIDN'T WANT ALL OUR GAYS TO MOVE TO MAINE AND MASSACHUSETTS!

New Hampshire became the sixth state to legalize gay marriage on Wednesday (no joke). Wednesday, one of the most heterosexual days of the week, immediately protested, claiming that Saturday should have been chosen instead, because "it's the queerest day of the week, by far," according to 3:00 pm, Wednesday spokesman.

2009-05-28T21:14:00.000-07:00

FOR THAT VERY SPECIAL GARDEN SLUG IN YOUR LIFE

You can buy a plug of dirt from the original Yankee Stadium for $80.

2009-05-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

STANFORD: WOULD GOD GET IN?

Stanford's admission rate for freshmen hit a record low this year (7.6%), with only 2,300 candidates for the fall of 2009 accepted from 30,428 applicants (no joke). Dean of Admissions Richard Shaw was ecstatic, noting that "We've crushed the dreams of an incredible number of young people this spring, and we're proud of that. But we want to do even better; our goal is to admit no one next year. We are just too damn good. Nobody deserves Stanford. Let 'em go to Yale."

2009-05-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

DOGS, CATS DIVIDED OVER VICK

Michael Vick was released from prison on Wednesday (no joke). Dog Nation, the largest organization in the U.S. composed entirely of canines, expressed outrage. "The man is a torturer and a murderer," woofed Rusty, " a German shepherd who serves as Dog Nation's press secretary. "He should be serving a life sentence." This sentiment was not shared by Cat Power, a feline advocacy group of stray cats in the Northeast. "Vick was railroaded," claimed One-Eye, the group's Minister of War. "If a dog has electric shocks applied to his testicles, he must have done something to deserve it."

2009-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

GOD DENIES SNUBBING OBAMA AT COMMENCEMENT

For the first time in nearly 20 years, God did not attend graduation ceremonies at the University of Notre Dame. "It had nothing to do with Obama," the Supreme Being announced at a press conference. "My great-granddaughter Fran was getting her master's degree in Sacred Cuisine from Oral Roberts University, so I was in Tulsa, Oklahoma all weekend. Boy, what a pit that place is! I must have been stoned when I created it."

2009-05-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

BUT IT RAN LIKE A CHARM

Chrysler will shut down 789 of its dealerships according to a plan filed in bankruptcy court on Thursday (no joke). These closures are likely to have a minimal effect on sales of the troubled manufacturer's vehicles, given that the last car sold by any of the 789 was a pre-owned 1963 Dodge Dart purchased in 1966 at Charlie's Chrysler Tub in Topeka, Kansas.

2009-05-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

MORNING FOG BRINGS RELIEF FOR CALIFORNIA FIRE CREWS

"Now that we can't see the flames engulfing people's homes, we've stopped worrying about it," says Santa Barbara fire chief Cuffy Ganzer.

2009-05-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

US DENIES 147 CIVILIANS KILLED IN AFGHAN VIOLENCE

"It was only 146," claimed an indignant Vice President Joe Biden in a press conference on Friday. "One of them was a goat, and it was in uniform."

2009-05-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENT'S RECOMMENDATION WREAKS HAVOC WITH THE MENTALLY ILL

President Obama's suggestion that Americans wash their hands frequently in response to the swine flu epidemic has generated widespread panic among obsessive compulsives with authoritarian tendencies, according to a report from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. "These folks are scrubbing their hands right down to the bone marrow," claims Dr. Leonard Fitzmartin, Director of the Hygiene Division. "They're walking into hospital emergency rooms with nothing but bones and tendons dangling below their wrists. It's horrific. A lot of them are apparently using detergent for automatic dishwashers to clean their hands. Doctors are helpless. For the love of God, Mr. President, take back what you said."

2009-04-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

A BRIEF HISTORY OF GOD

53% of Americans change their religion at least once during their lifetime, according to a study sponsored by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life (no joke). Commenting on the finding, God acknowledged that He has changed faiths three times during His eternal existence. "I started out as a Christian Scientist, but those people are beyond crazy. Then I became a Seventh Day Adventist, but they're nuttier than a bathtub full of pistachios. I was a Hassidic Jew for four months, but that was a trip to absolute Wacko-Land; I have NEVER said that eating a BLT sandwich is sinful. Where do they get these ideas, anyway? For the last 5 years I've been a Presbyterian. It's boring, and their hymns put me to sleep, but I can eat what I want."

2009-04-26T20:54:00.000-07:00

STAY CALM, ADMINISTRATION ADVISES

In discussing the recent swine flu outbreak around the globe, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said that the situation was serious, but that "it's not a time to panic" (no joke). He told NBC's Meet the Press on Sunday that President Obama was getting updates "every few hours" in his bunker far below the earth's surface. "The President will emerge when it's safe, and not a moment before," Gibbs commented. "Until then, Vice President Biden will handle all major policy decisions, assuming we can find him. He seems to have disappeared. If anyone sees the Vice President, please let me know."

2009-04-24T20:54:00.000-07:00

BUT YOU CAN GET A HOT DOG FOR ONLY $25

The New York Yankees are charging between $500 and $2,625 per ticket for seats in certain sections of the new Yankee Stadium (no joke). When asked by a Daily News reporter if these high prices were motivated primarily by "mind-numbing greed," Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman responded, "only partly; the arrogance of unrestrained avarice also plays a role. And don't forget, we're total assholes."

2009-04-14T19:36:00.000-07:00

HALLMARK SHOWS SOME HEART

Falling sales has forced Hallmark Cards Inc., the nation's largest maker of greeting cards, to cut up to 750 jobs in its U.S. work force (no joke). But there's hope. According to CEO Willard Grafton, "If just 2.5 million Americans sent a Hallmark sympathy card to every one of those 750 employees, we could restore nearly 325 positions by the end of the summer." To encourage consumers to take this step, Hallmark is introducing a "No Frills" line of 75-cent sympathy cards containing the message, "Laid off? Deal with it."

2009-04-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

GIMME THAT OL' TIME RELIGION!

HarperCollins Publishers has released The Green Bible, a bible that highlights in forest green more than 1,000 verses related to nature (no joke). In 2010, Penthouse Magazine will publish The Burning Embers Bible, in which all passages dealing with sex will be italicized in fire engine red. In 2011, Hustler Magazine will debut The Deep Crimson Scriptures, consisting entirely of depictions of sex acts between consenting Biblical figures. And 2012 will welcome the first issue of National Geographic's Illustrated HotMama, featuring line drawings of David and Bathsheba playing "Twirl My Propeller" in a Jacuzzi filled with tapioca.

2009-04-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

AT LAST, A SEQUEL THAT SURPASSES THE ORIGINAL

"The Cougar," a new cable TV show in which a sexy "older woman" picks a mate from a litter of 20 younger men, debuts on cable this month (no joke). The ante will be upped next season, with the debut of the 19-week "Cougar II," featuring a real cougar that will maim and devour the men not chosen in Season One. "There will be lots of running around and screaming," promises producer Griffin Panchecko.

2009-03-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT DANGERS LURK IN HUNGRY-HUNGRY HIPPO

A study published in the Hong Kong Medical Journal indicates that playing mahjong can lead to seizures (no joke). In a related story, it has been reported in Pediatrics that playing the venerable children's game Chutes and Ladders can result in "duck breath."

2009-03-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

PRESIDENT WILL LOOK WHERE THE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHTEST

"Obama Rules Out U.S. Troop Raids into Pakistan" to find terrorists, according to an Associated Press headline on Sunday. Instead, President Obama plans to send a SWAT division of 3,000 Marines into the Bonneville Salt Flats in northwestern Utah to search for Al-Qaeda operatives. When asked by reporters why the Salt Flats are being targeted, the President indicated that "there aren't many forests, caves, or mountains in that part of Utah, so it should be pretty easy to flush out any terrorists who are there. Those guys will be toast."

2009-03-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

BARACK BRINGS AMERICA TO THE BRINK....AND BEYOND?

"GOP Predicts Doomsday if Obama Budget Passed" (genuine Associated Press headline). Elaborating on this forecast, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch said that Fire Monkeys from Hell would emerge from sewers around the U.S., disemboweling men, ravishing women, devouring babies, and neutering pets. "It would be worse than watching three consecutive episodes of The Daily Show," the Senator warned.

2009-03-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

ASK FOR THE BRAND THE POPE SWEARS BY

Pope Benedict XVI asserted on his way to Africa on Tuesday that condoms were not the answer in the continent's fight against HIV (no joke). "They are way too unreliable," the Pontiff claimed. "If you just stare at them they split like a cheap pair of pants. Personally, I recommend sheaths made out of plaster of Paris. Ain't nothin' going to break through those bad boys, you can trust me on that. And no fair asking me how I know," the Holy Father winked at reporters.

2009-03-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

SOURCE OF BUSH'S INEFFECTIVENESS REVEALED BY GATES

In a stunning statement on Meet the Press this past Sunday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates claimed that Barack Obama is "somewhat more analytical" than George W. Bush (no joke). During the same interview, Gates asserted that a panda is bigger than a potato, and that it is impossible to tune a piano with one's nipples.

2009-03-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

BARBIE'S LOVE CHILD FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGED

Mattel toymakers revealed today that Barbie, the immensely popular doll that turned 50 on Monday, had an out-of-wedlock child with G. I. Joe in 1977. "Barbie was young and naive," explained Mattel spokesman Thad Somerset. "And G. I. Joe was a testosterone-driven sex machine back then. You wouldn't believe what he did to Raggedy Ann at a party in Disneyland in 1974. She's been in treatment ever since for depression and trauma." Barbie's offspring, who is now 32, is male and lives in a Mattel warehouse in Alpharetta, Georgia.

2009-03-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

OBAMA: "WE DON'T WANT TO WIN THE WAR AGAINST DRUGS, WE WANT TO WIN THE WAR WITH DRUGS!"

President Barack Obama stunned a roomful of 3rd graders in Topeka, Kansas this afternoon when he announced plans to legalize heroin, cocaine, marijuana and ecstasy in an attempt to jumpstart the U.S. economy. "This move will create tens of thousands of new, legal jobs in the drug industry," Obama told students at Rutherford B. Hayes Elementary School. "From production to sales to treatment of addiction, the drug trade represents an economic stallion that I'm ready to ride, and to ride hard," the President proclaimed. "It's time for dealers and crack heads to pay taxes like the rest of us," Obama insisted. When asked by Timmy Lee Sanderson, one of the 3rd graders, if legalizing drugs would create "lots and lots of new drug addicts who'll pee on the side of our school building," the President responded, "Don't bullshit me, Timmy. I know you do that already."

2009-03-02T18:17:00.000-08:00

THE TITLE "I AM AN ANUS" WAS ALREADY TAKEN

Rod Blagojevich, the first U.S. governor in more than 20 years to be removed from office by impeachment, signed a deal Monday to write a book "exposing the dark side of politics" (no joke). The tentative title of the book is "I Am The Dark Side of Politics."

2009-02-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR, GOD ADVISES

57% of Americans believe that God's intervention could save a family member's life even if physicians judged treatment to be futile, according to a recent survey (no joke). In a follow-up interview, God asserted that He had not used divine intervention in such a fashion in the United States since August 1974. "A 93-year-old devout Catholic woman accidentally swallowed her rosary beads, and I felt bad for her," God observed. "But two days after I cure her, she trips over a neighbor's cat and falls down three flights of stairs in her apartment building. That was all she wrote. Not a damn thing I could do. What a mess that was."

2009-02-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

HOW MANY CLOWNS CAN YOU STUFF INTO A VW BEETLE?

Fewer than 20 percent of U.S. clinics follow professional guidelines on how many embryos should be used for younger women, according to a recent report (no joke). The worst offender is Buckets O' Babies in Amarillo, Texas, which uses current gas prices to gauge the number of embryos implanted. "If unleaded is running $2.25 a gallon, then we insert 225 embryos during a routine procedure," B-O-B President Dexter Farnworthy commented. "It works for us, and our clients have never complained."

2009-02-15T17:17:00.000-08:00

A-ROD VS. THE HOLOCAUST: AND THE WINNER IS.....

The International Council on Crimes Against Humanity, based in Geneva, has revised its list of the 10 most horrific evils in the history of the human race. Replacing the Holocaust in the # 1 position is the use of steroids by baseball star Alex Rodriguez in the 1990s. Moving into the # 2 slot is the smoking of marijuana by Olympic champion Michael Phelps last November. The Holocaust is now ranked # 3, and the deaths of 1.7 million Cambodians during the regime of Pol Pot has dropped to # 4. In a statement to the press, Council spokesman Bjorn Gurtlesen noted that "the Holocaust had a nice run at # 1 [over 60 years], but the damage that Mr. Rodriguez has done to idol-worshipping boys all over the world is incalculable. Ditto that for Mr. Phelps."

2009-02-10T21:02:00.001-08:00

OBAMA ADMITS STEROID USE, GIVES GOOD REASON

President Barack Obama stunned reporters on Monday, admitting during his press conference that he took steroids while campaigning in the 2008 New Hampshire primary. "I'm ashamed of myself," the contrite Leader of the Free World proclaimed. "But damn, you try getting your ass outta bed at 4:30 am in Nashua, New Hampshire when the temperature outside is minus-twelve-degrees Fahrenheit. It ain't easy, bro." Obama indicated that he obtained the banned substance at a Christmas party held by Alex Rodriguez and Madonna in honor of her navel ring.

2009-02-08T21:04:00.000-08:00

LATEST SHOCKER: STEROIDS THE LEAST OF A-ROD'S PROBLEMS

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse for Yankees third baseman and steroid user Alex Rodriguez, they did. Police records reveal that when the superstar played for the Texas Rangers, he was arrested twice for attempting to suck the blood out of newborns in a Dallas maternity ward. According to Texas Attorney General Theodore "Ted" Talbot, Rodriguez claimed that baby fluids made him "strong like a bull."

2009-02-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

SHOOT THEM BEFORE THEY KILL YOU

Researchers in Sweden have found that workers with inconsiderate and uncommunicative bosses are 60% more likely to have heart attacks or other serious heart conditions than workers with more supportive bosses (no joke).

2009-02-01T19:42:00.000-08:00

PHELPS EXPRESSES REMORSE.....SORT OF.....

Olympic superstar Michael Phelps has confirmed the authenticity of a photo showing him smoking marijuana last year, stating that "I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public it will not happen again" (no joke). When asked by reporters to elaborate on his promise, Phelps avowed, "I will never let myself be photographed again while I'm smoking pot, snorting coke, injecting heroin, or doing ecstasy. I've learned my lesson."

2009-01-26T20:34:00.000-08:00

OBAMA ENDORSES AFFIRMATIVE ACTION FOR WHITES

President and hoops enthusiast Barack Obama announced on Monday that he intends to ask the National Basketball Association to initiate an affirmative action policy for white players. "For far too many years, white youth throughout our nation have seen virtually no one who looks like them when they watch NBA games. The Larry Bird Era has been over for decades. It is time that these boys stop looking at their fathers with shame. It's time for them to stop thinking, 'I could never be an NBA star.' It's time for them to start believing, 'I can drive the lane. I can finger-roll. I can DUNK!' Yes, it's time for America to fulfill its promise to whites as well as to African-Americans."

2009-01-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

FOR OBAMA AND ROBERTS, IS THE THIRD TIME THE CHARM?

On Friday afternoon President Barack Obama was sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts for a record-breaking third time. Ceremony Number Three became necessary when a photo taken of the second swearing in revealed that Roberts had administered the oath of office with his left hand behind his back, fingers crossed.

2009-01-19T21:08:00.000-08:00

WHAT GIFTS WILL SPRINGSTEEN BARE?

Legendary rocker Bruce Springsteen is denying rumors that, during his upcoming performance of "Born to Run" at the Super Bowl on February 1st, E Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemons will rip off the Boss's tee shirt, exposing both of Springsteen's nipples to millions of viewers. "I don't take my cue from Janet Jackson," Springsteen claimed in an interview with Diane Sawyer. "But I must admit, I am thinking about dropping my pants during '10th Avenue Freeze Out'."